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    dots Submission Name: Wind Carriesdots

    Author: UnderlinedInRed
    ASL Info:    18/f/PA
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 196/262/123
    Words: 182
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 569
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1206


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWind Carriesdots

    Watching the trees swaying,
    Gliding in the soft wind,
    Yet I feel nothing,
    Safely tucked inside.
    Warmth of my own.
    I wish to feel the breeze
    Of unknown.

    The drapes are still,
    The panes are closed.
    The door is locked
    And there no is one home.
    I'm trembling now,
    Unsure of why.
    I shiver and wither,
    and begin to cry.

    I hug it close,
    My blankets tight,
    Try to stop the shaking,
    Try to stop the fight.
    I think I am scared,
    Of what I dont know.
    The breeze is screaming,
    Howling wild.
    Its telling me,
    To wait a while.

    I'm scared to listen,
    To what is yet.
    To pretend I am something
    Someone, who I never will forget.
    I'm afraid it will lift me up,
    And never let me go.
    Until I plummet, unknowingly.
    Into something unsure.

    But I am ready now breeze.
    To wipe away my tears.
    To let go of the warmth,
    Thats held me for all these years.
    Take me far, from where I reside.
    Take me where, my love is inside.

    Submitted on 2008-05-18 17:41:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      i think this could be more.
    it seems like you skirt around what it is you are speaking of but you never actually give the reader enough to know what it is you are trying to get them to see...

    you speak of fear, trembling, breeze and yet i have no idea what it is that holds them all together...

    think about putting something more concrete into this piece... something that the reader can identify with

    the end, while it isnt as strong as it could be, is good in that it reinforces the title... wind carries... wind carries a lot of things... it can take pollen from a flower and drop it somewhere else and create life as a result... it can be the thrust that pushes birds home to the nest to feed their young or whips leaves into a golden frenzy in autumn...

    i think you are onto something here but i think you need to work on making this piece more reader friendly
    | Posted on 2008-05-18 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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