Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: White Noisedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JimweiZERO
    Elite Ratio:    5.38 - 1500/844/80
    Words: 320
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Misc
    Total Views: 717
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2024



    Description:
       anyone think of a better title?

    also, this isn't about me or anyone i know.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhite Noisedots
    -------------------------------------------


    You were pleasing to the eye
    Almost criminal underneath
    But this was your alibi,
    It meant you never had to try.
    You were the centre of the world,
    Like a new kid on the block
    You got all the attention you deserved,
    Yeah, the heads would all turn,
    But you don't remember me
    I was that face in the crowd
    That was always tricky for you to see
    I was too bourgeoisie.
    We never stopped for conversation,
    I must have the made the wrong decision
    Along the way, but it's so hard to say
    And now...

    These times have grown old,
    This new chapter unfolds,
    I sit among the human race
    I'm just waiting to evolve.
    I could say I miss you after all this time,
    But how can you miss something you never had?

    You were almost out of sight,
    But I heard you from the dark
    Where I was wondering that night,
    It almost felt too right.
    You were the light I was looking for,
    A silent prayer and you headed my call,
    All I got was white noise back
    But it was worth it after all.
    You still aim to please,
    You're like the new Nightingale
    and I'm your disease,
    But you'll never find the cure for me
    and I'll be willing to make a bet,
    That nobody's perfect but
    I'm the best you'll ever get,
    I know it's hard to accept.

    These times have grown old,
    This new chapter unfolds,
    I sit among the human race
    I'm just waiting to evolve.
    I could say I miss you after all this time,
    But how can you miss something you never had?

    Our time has grown old
    So I'll move along
    I'll ebb into the depths of time
    While you're staying strong.
    I could say I miss after all after all,
    But how can you miss something you never had?




    Submitted on 2008-05-21 20:03:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
       You gotta have respect for someone who can use bourgeoisie in lyrics and not sound like a dumbass. Anyways, on to the critique.
    I love this person that you created, it's not someone I'd want to call a friend, but they're very defined. Someone who thinks they're more than human. And all you want to do is evolve, but you come off sounding bitter. And I do love bitter. I liked the lines pleasing to the eye, but almost criminal underneath. That's a perfect way to start this off. As if this person lives through her looks, and needs the attention because she's much too insecure or shallow. So that's how people know her, just for her looks. Kind of sad. Which I guess makes sense when you say that you were the best she'd ever have. But then you can't really miss something you never had... hmm such a brilliant line!
    I didn't get what you meant when you said I must have made the wrong decision. And there's something not quite right in the line about white noise. I like the idea of white noise, but the way you said it doesn't seem to fit right, or flow right, maybe its just the "back" i think that's it. It doesn't belong or something. And I'm not so sure about the light in the dark thing... ya know kind of cheesy but I guess you executed it alright as to not draw too much attention to it. Another part though, that seems kind of out of character (at least for the one I've created in my mind) is where you say she aims to please. I love those lines though, the Nightingale, and the disease, its all brilliant. Maybe that's why you stuck that in there.
    I think my favorite lines are:
    I'll be willing to make a bet,
    That nobody's perfect but
    I'm the best you'll ever get,
    I know it's hard to accept.
    Because they're honest but so so bitter, and she'd be just the one to write them off as you being jealous or something. It's very intricate, this story you are weaving, and it can go many ways. I love that! I get to run away with my imagination for a bit, instead of having you lay it all out there in front of me. Nice strategy.
    And again... I like the lines about sitting among the human race waiting to evolve... really shoves her high on a pedestal though... like some god, just the way she'd like you to think of her. In the second to last line I think you forgot to put "you" after "miss" or maybe you're just doing one of those cut off singing things... I would know that for sure if you ever put the vocals in your music.
    Anyways... this was lovely, cold and beautiful, just the way I like things. And the music is lovely as well. Overall, well done. Like I said, I like this person you've just created...

    -Steph
    | Posted on 2008-05-31 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ]
      Very well-written! I love the fact that you don't have typos and errors, but rather a very "clean" presentation. Good luck with these great lyrics. :-) Sharon
    | Posted on 2008-05-30 00:00:00 | by Peggy Paris | [ Reply to This ]
      i like how you said

    and I'll be willing to make a bet,
    That nobody's perfect but
    I'm the best you'll ever get,
    I know it's hard to accept.

    i know its not good to quote you but i do. i really miss your work. yous hould keep posting. please. come on. your really good at this. how is malicite going?? well i hope??? did yall get a new player yet??? i hope so. glad to see your back ont he site.and i thin, we all kinda been on here for a while. good luck.



    tina
    | Posted on 2008-05-22 00:00:00 | by ladiesplanet1 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    161674

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    Live In Between written by teika5
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry