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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Shooting Stardots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Zu
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 446/379/76
    Words: 156
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Misc
    Total Views: 584
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 990



    Description:
       If you want to listen to it.. contact me.. i'll give youa link in a few days.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShooting Stardots
    -------------------------------------------


    I saw you yesterday, standing in the rain
    there was something left to say, but it'll never be the same
    as i'm passing by the road, i see your eyes teasing pain.

    but there's nothing left, you're too far up in the sky
    your twinkle's too distant for my naked red eye
    and you're falling down, and around, i can't reach out to you.
    and i can't say nothing at all.

    high up on the rooftop, and way down below
    there's always this moment when time goes slow
    the frames stick around till tomorrow

    but there's nothing left, you're too far up in the sky
    your twinkle's too distant for my naked red eye
    and you're falling down, and around, i can't reach out to you.
    and i can't say nothing at all.

    At all.

    I wish your lips could meet mine
    i wish i could see you one last time.




    Submitted on 2008-05-22 13:54:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I have read better work from you, but this was still really good. You're rhyme scheme seems a little off and the lines don't seems as if they won't fit together when sung with music. I could be wrong, maybe it fits perfectly with the music.
    This is completely different than black lipstick, but i like it still. It's good that you can write about different topics instead of the same thing over and over, it can get boring after a while.
    I think the song is very sad and emotional, and the imagery helps out a lot. I agree with playcrackthesky, you came very close to a cliché', but avoided it by making the idea your own.
    Overall, I think the song was well written.

    Nice write
    ~*~katara~*~
    | Posted on 2008-11-30 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      This was nice, not one of my favorites of yours but I definitely loved the idea of it all. It was sad and beautiful, it's got that aching longing about it, but it didn't seem very powerful to me. Like it's lacking a bit of passion that I know you've got in there somewhere!

    This is filled with all those what if questions... what if I had said something the very last time I saw you... I love that what if question. But it'll drive you crazy. As for the execution of your ideas, I'm not so sure.

    The format seemed off, maybe if you went ahead and made single stanzas of the lines that were broken up two or three times by commas. Maybe the shortness will add a more urgency about it. I don't know maybe, but I'm not sure that'd be any better because I kind of liked this slow and achy... like it's almost too painful to do anything but sit back and watch as this moment slips past you. Well now I can't make up my mind about this at all. lol... makes for a very helpful comment. sorry! I just had to leave you something...

    ok here goes, for real now:

    You deal with some things that are so nearly cliché, and you cut it close, but I think you ended up clear of it. The rain, the shooting star, someones eye twinkling... but in the end again, I don't think its cliché.

    It is however, missing something. I don't know what that something is, but its just a feeling ya know, like you write these beautiful words, but you're not feeling it. I don't know... I'm probably just going crazy.

    I did love the images you put out here, they were lovely. Someone standing in the rain... it reminds me of my last day of school, it was raining. I was watching all these people go by, potentially never seen again. I felt like I should say something. But I never did. And maybe in five years, I'll feel the way this poem made me feel. What if...

    Great start, could use some work though, in formatting and maybe a little tweaking... I don't know where though, so sorry I couldn't be of more help. Lovely imagery, and a sad, pretty idea.

    steph
    | Posted on 2008-06-03 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ]


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