i dont know. i have to tell you i ...LOVED IT! and no i dont give that easly. not at all! you wrote that just like i would have, but better. i would give you something to fix but i truthfully cant think of any to give you. it just kind of stuck with me. i REALLY like it. the flow was there. the rhythm was perfect! i believe that RHYTHM is the most important aspect of all poetry attributs and you NAILED it! good for you!
the short, brisk lines kept the piece moving and my attention was kept(some thing very hard to do)
i really liked it!
good for you.
i wish i could give you something to fix. but im sorry i cant!