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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Heroindots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: revol
    ASL Info:    18/F/Far away from you
    Elite Ratio:    2.87 - 12/13/11
    Words: 69
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 85
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 457



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHeroindots
    -------------------------------------------


    Trying to make money
    Standing on a corner of a dirty street
    She's sucking off old men
    With a daughter fetish
    She turns off her emotions,
    It's just business, anyway,
    But afterwards, reward
    The thing only money can buy
    She sticks the needle into her vein
    And she is fine, she is well,
    It's all so nice and all so great,
    But tomorrow she'll be back on the street.




    Submitted on 2008-05-24 11:55:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I liked this a lot, sad thing about it is the bitter truth of it all. I must say I have to agree with Ronswords's comment just a bit, in that a little more detailed writing would make this even better, but I like that its short and to the point and that you definately get the main idea of the situation she has herself locked into. Very nice.
    | Posted on 2008-08-04 00:00:00 | by DorianGrymstone | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a pretty solid piece of work. What I would do differently is elaborate on everything. Talk about how dirty the old men are, describe the girl, get filthy with everything. Because addiction is a vile thing and relate this to us. Make it seem like a dark lonely hell, because it is. You have talent, use all of it. Make us feel dirty, put us in the shoes of this girl. Make us feel like it's us turning tricks to go to some back alley and put needles in our arms and pass out on discarded garbage. You can own this piece with a little more work.
    | Posted on 2008-06-16 00:00:00 | by jayisademon | [ Reply to This ]
      This is not that bad of a write
    I feel with a little more work this can turn into an excellent write
    The message is strong and clear but I feel it needs a little more emotion and true life experiences to really touch these who need to here what the evils of Heroin is much more strongly
    Great Job
    If you decide to add some more verse to this Please let me know as I would Love to read it again

    Also Please let me be one of the First to Welcome you to Elite Skills
    I Hope this site brings you all the Happiness it has brought to me
    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    God Bless
    Ron

    And again WELCOME!!!
    | Posted on 2008-05-26 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]



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