Dogwoods by joeyalphabet

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Submission Name: Dogwoods dots

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Author:	joeyalphabet
ASL Info:	46/50-50 shot/somewhere..
Elite Ratio:	3.79 - 2139/2124/402
Words:	85

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	135
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	552

Description:

Dogwoods dots

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I remember the dogwoods in our backyard
Gnarled, twisted things that, in the dark, could be
Easily mistaken for monsters

The flowers smelled like a honey-day, and meant
Spring was here, even more than the robins in
March who left tiny prints in last snows

They were little, struggling trees, and I jungle-gymmed
Without care, snapping tiny, hopeful arms
As I caroused, inflicting wounds on wood

They're gone now, and I wonder if I ever
Made them cry

Submitted on 2008-05-28 08:15:01 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
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||| Comments |||
  They're gone now, and I wonder if I ever
Made them cry

This is so sad. In ways that are hard to explain or conjure up...

(not in the mindset for reviews. sorry--i'll be back inside my right head in awhile... i suppose.)

:)
:(

Yep!

*
| Posted on 2008-06-13 00:00:00 | by sadtrapofgravit | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh, I like this. I like the nostalgic tone of it, and how it applies to all of us, though you clearly lay the blame on yourself. Innocently climbing, a child can "inflict wounds."

I do see some superflous wording, or should I say, there are some words you cpuld do without. I would suggest four lines per stanza for more emphasis on key words.

S1 - No need for "in my backyard." doesn't matter front, back, side. It's the dogwoods that are important and should end the first line. "Gnarled twisted things," nuff said, "that, could be" not needed. "in the dark" makes a nice set-up line. And then your final line of this stanza.

S2 - I would say "their flowers." and move "and meant to the next line, emphasis on "honey-day." "and meant Spring was here."
Then, no need for "even" just say "more than the Robins." No need for "in March" we're all aware of that. Then, "who left ..." to finish this stanza.

S3 - No need to say "little," "stuggling" creates the image. Drop the "and" moving "I jungle-gymed" to the next line. This leaves behind an emphasis on "Struggling trees." Next line, "I jungle-gymed without care." You now cause us to focus on "without care." Begin the next line with "snapping" then say "small" and not repeat "tiny," then "hopeful arms." her's no need for "caroused" "as I inflicted wounds..." is more to the point. The fact that you were carousing is unnecessary.

S4 - Not much to suggest here, just maybe the line break, I like it more ending L1 at "wonder" and moving "if I ever to just before "made them cry."

These things are all arbitrary, and a matter of opinion, but I thought you might appreciate a different viewpoint.

Your poem works well as is, and I found it very entertaining. A pleasant read on a hot New England afternoon.

Phil
| Posted on 2008-06-12 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
  I like how you've made blameless the child who is merely climbing.
Snapping branches, yes? But is there intent to harm the tree?
No and in all innocence, it only serves to place someone in the context of the scene in a very unique way.

You have drawn it so nicely, Joe. Dogwoods are rare in the city but they grow wild in the Ozarks. As you drive along a dusk and look into the roadside forest, they glow like lights. So your image of
ghosts in the trees makes sense.

Nice work, it's good to see that you're creating.

Nan
| Posted on 2008-06-04 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a great piece. The imagery is very clear and concise. In addition to the imagery though, I love the awareness or awakening at the end of the piece. You speak of dogwoods but could just as easily be speaking of other youthful activites. In all the fun, was anything hurt? Very powerful and thought provoking. Very concise, each word chosen carefully and used appropriately. Very, very good.
| Posted on 2008-06-02 00:00:00 | by bentnotbroken | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a lovely piece of childhood memory. My son used to play in a dogwood tree when he was young too.

This is my favorite part:

"The flowers smelled like a honey-day, and meant
Spring was here, even more than the robins in
March who left tiny prints in last snows"

Beautiful word choice, especially the third line.

The last two lines are poignant and sad. Very original to attach feelings to a tree. I love this.

Lisa
| Posted on 2008-05-31 00:00:00 | by Seagirl | [ Reply to This ]
  Wonderful reminiscent piece. It felt wonderous and very dream like.

It convieved the overall feeling you have when you look back on childhood memories and see how things have changed (for better or worse).

Wonderful job capturing the emotion.
| Posted on 2008-05-30 00:00:00 | by Celeste J. Bell | [ Reply to This ]
  I loved this one, Joey! Trees having feelings, too, got me thinking about all the pruning I haven't done. LOL---You've made me feel guilty, or perhaps you've given me an excuse to not work. :-) Sharon
| Posted on 2008-05-30 00:00:00 | by Peggy Paris | [ Reply to This ]
  *clap clap*

Brings the visual appeal of the child in the woods to life and defines the emotions and overall feel, it's priceless, another piece by you that has done nothing but amazing me.

I really have no idea what else to say other then to keep things like this coming.
| Posted on 2008-05-28 00:00:00 | by obsidiandreams | [ Reply to This ]

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