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Author: explosions
ASL Info:    -237.6995/she/the library
Elite Ratio:    6.87 - 59 /50 /52
Words: 72
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 830
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 591


not done yet...


"my favorite color is silver,
like sky eyes,
feathers of a moonbird,
shimmer of a star's dress"

"my favorite smell is petrichor,
familiarly pleasant,
fills up my lungs,
my mind, my heart"

"my favorite song is cricketsong,
intermittent through the night,
a tuneless tune,
carrying me to sleep"

"my favorite beverage is orange juice,
tangysweet rolled around my tongue,
a liquid gift given by
rain, sun, soil, and seed"

Submitted on 2008-05-29 12:21:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
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5: Wow!


  Hey Explosions,

Overall, I liked your poem, it had clear structure and message. Plus, I think it had some strong images which would stick in a reader's mind so well done for that.

But there are some things, I would look at. Firstly, I don't know why you've put your stanzas in speech marks because the narrator's voice is obvious. And on an aesthetic note, I think it looks a little strange.

Next, I think you overuse your commas, I understand you want your reader to pause and think over the line but I find the use of them, repetitive and distracting. For example:

"my favorite song is cricketsong.
intermittent through the night,
a tuneless tune
carrying me to sleep"

I think that if you use a full stop or let the lines run together, it allows a better flow to your piece and makes it more interesting to read.

Lastly, I think the last stanza should be revised because for me, it's the weakest. For example:

"my favorite beverage [use drink instead, for simplicity?] is orange juice,
tangy[and]sweet rolled [over] my tongue,
a liquid gift given by
[shower] - for some alliteration?, sun, soil, and seed"

Anyway, hope this helps.

I'll look for the re-write since you said, you haven't finished it yet.


| Posted on 2008-05-29 00:00:00 | by JoKing | [ Reply to This ]

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