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    dots Submission Name: Absurddots

    Author: Imadjinn
    ASL Info:    17/M/Neverwhere
    Elite Ratio:    4.27 - 340/348/146
    Words: 172
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 826
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1163

       I guess playgrounds at midnight just evoke some things like this

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    "You know, I wish we could just lie here,
    Never get up, sleep, just be here, forever."

    You whispered the words in my ear,
    and my mind knew they were absurd.
    Here? Forever? How? We would need to eat
    to drink, to subsist...

    but those ideas, thoughts were drown out
    Snuffed by the frantic, incredible pounding
    that was lodged in my ribcage.

    "Well..." The words dribbled out of my mouth,
    "Why couldn't we?"

    I knew the idea was absurd, crazy.
    People would look for us.
    You confirmed my idea.

    "Our parents would kill us"

    I let out a soft sigh. I knew the idea had ended.
    Somehow, somewhere, however, deep within my mind,
    The idea had forced itself somewhere permanent.
    and as absurd and crazy as the idea was,
    To sleep, never move, perhaps just lie until the end.
    Until someone found us, until we lost all reason.
    until we faded away.
    As absurd as the idea was, somewhere, somehow,
    I still think it's worth it.

    Submitted on 2008-05-30 01:14:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i once posted a piece about being at the park at midnight... swinging on a swing... trying to kick that stars and you know what...?! i got told off for being a girl at the park at midnight all by myself

    i like this piece.
    i like the way you are so matter of fact about the whole situation but what i like most is that you dont just dismiss the idea like most people i know would.

    i come up with glorious ideas like this all the time and the people i am with squash them within seconds. its not my fault they have no sense of adventure or imagination

    oh! i think the thoughts were drowned out... you only have drown...

    i wonder whether the pounding in the ribcage was love or adrenaline or...?

    and yes... the idea is still worth it
    you can't kill ideas... isnt that what v said on his vendetta movie?
    | Posted on 2008-08-16 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like how the voice in this tells the story in a really clear, matter of fact way. It doesn't try and dress the moment in pretty flowery language but tells it for what it is, because the moment itself is beautiful on its own. The way it captures the conflict between what's possible and what we all wish we could do. One of the best, and saddest, parts of being human is that we have these bad habit of dreaming for the impossible.

    There's just one line I think needs a bit of editing:

    but those ideas, thoughts were drown out

    "drown" needs to be changed to "drowned". I also think that you don't need to say both "ideas" and "thoughts", you're just naming the same thing twice without adding anything to it.

    But yeah, I like this poem.
    | Posted on 2008-06-11 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
      I also love how you say 'dribbled out of my mouth.' :) This is a really interesting piece, I like it...(it doesn't even have any typos!)
    Thanks for writing...it was very enjoyable!
    The...er....only consolation I have is...if you get married, when you both die; you can be buried next to each other and then that dream could be a reality?
    Good job,
    | Posted on 2008-05-30 00:00:00 | by dancer-of-words | [ Reply to This ]
      "Well..." The words dribbled out of my mouth,
    "Why couldn't we?"

    ahh my favorite lines out of the piece...although i liked the whole thing because it was right up my alley.

    but the word dribbled....i don't hear it much outside of basket ball and i love the taste it leaves in my mouth and the image i get when i close my eyes.


    i've had my park moments....
    forever just makes things complicated though.

    but those ideas, thoughts were drown out
    Snuffed by the frantic, incredible pounding
    that was lodged in my ribcage.

    once again great imagery....lol absurd but just what you wanted to hear eh? i think that i'm just particularly impressed with your word choice at the moment...

    this piece made me feel young again, although it was short and simple.
    not that i'm old or anything...
    just brought back....
    more innocent times.
    | Posted on 2008-05-30 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ]

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