Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Phoenixdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: garnet4david
    ASL Info:    20/M/Indonesia
    Elite Ratio:    4.18 - 81/83/58
    Words: 102
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 57
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 615



    Description:
        Is it romantic? I want to give it to the girl that i like. She is totally fit my criteria so that i said treat me as the king of the men. Any comments, recommendations will be appreciated


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPhoenixdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Every bird looks upon you,
    flying elegantly toward the sky.
    A pair of shimering wings,
    made you into the queen of the birds.

    Phoenix, you fly around me,
    treat me as the king of every man.
    The flame that covers you,
    keeps my body and soul warm.

    The day you stopped flying,
    you said you lost your wings.
    I gave you my whole heart,
    the best golden cage in the world.

    Today i spread my hands,
    let it be a pair of wings for you.
    Let it covers you from the snow,
    and help you fly to the moon.




    Submitted on 2008-06-01 06:12:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is not bad. But to be quite honest and straightforward, I feel it lacks intensity. You are talking about love and passion here thus you do need some more powerful lexis to get across that idea; no offence intended of course, it's merely my humble opinion. Maybe, a good idea to make this more passionate would be to use some inversion which seems to work well for such purposes or probably some other literary device.

    Additionally, you might want to have look at the second word of your write. I surmise that making it singular would work out better, to my mind. Also, you might consider casting aside the "it" in line number 8 which sounds rather awkward, at least to me. And I guess you misspelt, "spread" on the first line of your fourth stanza.

    As to the format, I think you did well at choosing a 4 stanza division, to put it that way. It does work well. In addition, I reckon that stanza 2 was well-written and quite telling too.

    I hope you don't think I'm being too harsh on you; I'm merely trying to help a bit, hope you don't mind.


    That's about it,
    Take care and good luck with your girl!


    Cheer,


    Ethan
    | Posted on 2008-06-01 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.