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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Exorcismdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HaldirLives
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 234/149/60
    Words: 84
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 738
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 631



    Description:
       This is the first love-type poem I've actually written from experience. Please tell me all its weaknesses. I know it doesn't convey the strength of my emotions, and I need your help. I haven't written in a long time.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsExorcismdots
    -------------------------------------------


    "Get out!" I say, "Get out!"
    "Unbind me, unwind me,
    Don't shake me about!"

    The gate was left open,
    He entered within,
    My domain conquered,
    My mind unhinged.

    My thoughts seem to scurry,
    To him, him alone.
    Now as they wander,
    It's to no tome.

    My tongue he unloosened.
    Words halting and slow,
    To my lips, foreign -
    Oh, to forget him!

    "Leave me be, dashing demon!
    Stay out of earshot!
    Answer my prayers,
    Give me my thoughts!"




    Submitted on 2008-06-02 10:05:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Well, the idea is quite interesting but I'd say that whatever emotion you wanted to convey gets blurred by the slightly inadequate choice of words. Stanza 2 and 3 seems rather strained on account of the evident endeavour to have rhyme there. Then, this somehow gets lost along the way..... Which also seems a tad out of place, to put it that way. You don't have to force a rhyme scheme if it doesn't come out naturally ... I feel that one can write perfectly beautiful poems without having it what -so-ever, so beware of it!


    My suggestion would be to make a re-write and to be more mindful of the kind of lexis you are using so as not to hinder the flow.


    Interesting title though very catchy and telling!


    Warm regards,


    Ethan




    | Posted on 2008-06-02 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]


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