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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Tu Mi Amordots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: laffeytaffey
    ASL Info:    21/F/IL
    Elite Ratio:    1.77 - 21/15/7
    Words: 128
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 895
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 901



    Description:
       So... this poem is for Meg (Duv). We've been friends for a really long time now. If you don't know what the 1st lines to some of the stanzas mean, here is the translation in advance:
    Itsu made mo, Itsu made mo, Doko made mo
    (Forever, forever, to the ends of the earth).
    Enjoy!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTu Mi Amordots
    -------------------------------------------


    I love you
    You
    My heart and soul
    The one I finally realized
    That I've been
    Looking for
    Waiting for
    Wishing upon a star for

    Itsu made mo
    Many have asked
    Why I stay with you
    After all that you've
    Put me through

    Crying
    Fighting
    Jealousy
    All of it so many
    And yet few

    Itsu made mo
    The answer is simple
    Mi amor
    Without you
    I am a puddle of tears
    Something to be scorned
    And mopped off the floor

    Doko made mo
    I held you crying in my arms
    And promised
    To always love you
    Our friendship you see
    Is just too strong

    Forever
    Forever
    To the ends
    Of the earth
    Our spirits are one
    And my love
    Just begun.




    Submitted on 2008-06-02 21:02:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I have always liked the idea of mixing in two languages into a poem, specially poems which are dedicated to others. It just gives a very personal feel to them. I mean that is what poetry is about, right? Occasionally, the use of two languages is mishandled and overdone but I think you handled that very well. The flow was slightly annoying and choppy, but ignoring that, it seemed that you have truly written this from the heart. Some parts were brilliantly worded , to say the least, while others were relatively ordinary (particularly the second, third stanzas). For the most part, you avoided cliché, so that was good. I see Finnigan has done a reasonable job with the analysis so I will be keeping this short. Thanks for sharing.


    Abbas
    | Posted on 2008-08-31 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      It probably is better to the person its meant for since it was a poem wrote especially for them. I don't like it much though, I don't like how it has different languages thrown in there, just confuses it for me a little, doesn't really add anything for me
    But it could be that means something for the person you wrote it for.
    Anyway good luck!
    Vynom
    | Posted on 2008-07-29 00:00:00 | by PryncessVynom | [ Reply to This ]
      After taking so friggin long to comment on this piece, I have little to say. Other than, remember the way that I looked when I read it the first time, when I was lying on my bed and you were next to me. Remember how I smiled, and read it over several times and then hugged you and smiled at you some more. I can’t remember if I said anything, but I DO remember this incredible emotion that swelled inside of me. It came from your heart, and that makes it one of the most beautiful things in the world. And that poem will forever stay tucked away, safe.

    Love Always,

    Meghan
    | Posted on 2008-07-04 00:00:00 | by Draumrkopa | [ Reply to This ]
      Personally, I thought it was going to have more Spanish than I though. I am really big on languages and I especially love when two languages are being used in the sname topic. That is just my personal display of flavortism. I am pretty sure that flavortism isn't a word, but oh well, who is going to sue me? No one, that's for sure. "Tu Mi Amor", to my love, it's a very common name for the subject, but who can we blame? No one. It just happens that a lot of people love. No one can help it if they happen to share their personal life. I, personally, don't like showing affection because PDA is just not my style. Well then, I think I have had enough just talking about my personal likes and your title. Let's get a move on! (RAPIDO!)

    Ugh, you have a description on this. Well, it's my job to critique this whole poem and everything that surrounds it. Of course, I won't critique you on your character since I don't know you that well. I do know Duv though. She's really awesome and nice. I would see why a person would write a poem about her. She's the quintessential nice girl that everyone should know. There's nothing bad about writing about a friend. I think most people do so. Didn't Shakespeare write about his friend? Well, I am pretty sure he did. Thank you very much for the translation of "Itsu made mo, Itsu made mo, Doko made mo". I wouldn't have figured it out on my own and I was going to ask you. More people should read the description because that also contains valuable information. It doesn't always have to contain headnotes about what is going one or what it means. It could be about what the writer is feeling. I applaude you for this extra insight one what this is about. It gives me an extra reason to take this poem more seriously. I know that poems have reasons (or maybe not), but I at least know the reason in this poem.


    "I love you
    You
    My heart and soul
    The one I finally realized
    That I've been
    Looking for
    Waiting for
    Wishing upon a star for"


    This is basically the very beginning of a piece of music. It's not the chorus, but a very good piece of it. It has a nice flow it. I believe that one could doubledutch to this stanza (do the splitz...splitz...splitz...). I personally believe that this part is perfect as it is. If I wrote this, I would possibly one of the happiest people right now. This stanza alone could be a piece of work by itself. Though I moderately read poetry, I believe this to be one-of-a-kind yet have some components used once or twice. I can see that you can keep it fresh, yet reintroduce ideas used before.


    "Itsu made mo
    Many have asked
    Why I stay with you
    After all that you've
    Put me through"


    This is your chorus, the pride and fame itself. I believe that the "Itsu made mo, Itsu made mo, Doko made mo" is where it really shines. The first of the phrase almost goes with this stanza. "Forever, Many have asked". It's almost like people know of this eternal partnership and what you have been through. Every couple shares those times where it is too hard for them. Only the test of time can makeshift of relationships. While other relationships are hard to get into, the longrun says it's worth it. Through the thickest jungles and through the thinest syrup, a true relationship should be able to beat it all.


    "Crying
    Fighting
    Jealousy
    All of it so many
    And yet few"


    I cannot say much about this stanza because it's so common. These are feelings and expressions that everyone who have friends go through. Well, maybe not all of your friends, but not everyone can be perfect. Personally, I can be a very jealous person, and I can be very pugnacious. I am quite confused about your last two lines in this stanza though. It seems like you oxymoron, and I am stumped here. What I'm getting is that you and Duv express these feelings a lot, but yet you do not feel like it has happened a lot.


    "Itsu made mo
    The answer is simple
    Mi amor
    Without you
    I am a puddle of tears
    Something to be scorned
    And mopped off the floor"


    Here I go again. The forever fits in with two things; the original phrase and the stanza itself. "Forever, The answer is simple...". It works. I like poems and gagets that work. This is definitely no Go-go Gaget screwup. It is not a gimmick, it's a writing device that throws sparks into my eyes. It's pretty and it leaves a mark in my eyes. The five lines following the first two sound so familiar to me. It's like they came from a Soap Opera. Your poem alone has so much in it that sounds so real, almost as if it should be written into a play or a radio drama. It's almost as if you're lamenting for something you haven't lost yet. If this is not great poetry, then I don't know what is.


    "Doko made mo
    I held you crying in my arms
    And promised
    To always love you
    Our friendship you see
    Is just too strong"

    You are truely determined to tell the story of friendship. It is almost like an ode. Duv is not dead, but this poem makes it sound like she is. "To the ends of the earth, I held you crying in my arms". Comfort, it is such a nice word that people often abuse. Some people might like to cuddle with people. For example, this poem is kind of like comfort. You feel comfortable enough to express your thoughts to everyone else. Eating is a comfort that some people abuse (a little too much). There is not that much to say about this stanza because I would be over doing the process.


    "Forever
    Forever
    To the ends
    Of the earth
    Our spirits are one
    And this poem is done."


    I have to say that the very end sounds like Barney. I did not think it was very appropriate to end that way, especially this poem that was very well written. The reader knows that the poem is done. We do not expect it to continue anytime soon. I would have changed the very end because it seems so out of place. I do though like how the stanza includes the Japanese phrase in English. You really pulled off that one. What you did is almost is what I like to say what a few musicians do. They take their chorus and restate it into something similiar but different. Personally, I would have wrote it this way:


    "Forever
    Forever
    To the ends
    Of the earth
    Our spirits are one
    We won't be done"


    I do not think that my version though sounds very true to the rest of your poem. I would not though mention that you're ending this poem. It seems grade school like. Overall, I think this was one of my favorite poems I have read in a long time. This is definitely a piece of work that everyone should at least read. This is totally going on my favorite's list. I did not look at your grammar or spelling. I believe that is not true critiquing. It is thoughts and improvements that one could suggest to make others stronger. Unlike me, you have a great sense of grammar and spelling. I hope this was not vague or just plain odd, but thank you for your time. You do not though, have to repay me.
    | Posted on 2008-06-10 00:00:00 | by Finnigan | [ Reply to This ]


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