"I think I'm dying." My words escaped my mouth with the kind of ease tigers might have escaping their cages. The relieving stretch and roar in my mind was really all I needed today.
Darrel's brown eyes were hidden beside me as he wandered in and out of his own dreams, and I couldn't help but wish he had heard my confession. Even if it wasn't enough to grab his attention, atleast I could know inside myself if he really cared. I ran my fingers through his hair one last time and kissed his shoulder gently - again, secretly hoping he'd feel it.
Three hours and fifteen minutes later, we woke up with the birds and rushed to get my bags together. My vacation in England ends this morning, which only feels like a tease to me. It felt like home here, just as much as it had any other place.
"This bag is really heavy, we may want to leave early to give us time to haul this mother of a bag up the hill." I warn him, trying my best not to swear. Nothing is worse than an unnecissary potty mouth.
"It'll be fine, I'll take it. Trust me." Darrel's voice had the same self-assured cockiness it always had, but this time I feared the additional sound of high-pitched-annoyance. I won't bother trying to talk sense into him.
The suitcase was heavy on my fingers as I grabbed onto the stair railing and breathed every bit of air I could before setting my foot on the step. I leaned the weight of my bag against my right leg to keep it steady, and brought it with me step by step - not daring to let it disconnect from my side."Left foot, right foot. Left foot, right foot." I whispered to myself, pretending it would help, but knowing that it would never be enough to stop me from falling.
"What the fuck are you doing?" He stumbled out of the T.V. room, trying to pull up his pants - and even then all I could think was 'Nothing worse than an unnecissary potty mouth.' "You're going to fall down! Jesus." His footstep fell hard as he jumped past three stairs to take the bag off my hands. Better yet, off my leg. I wasn't sure if I was suppose to worry about his male ego and how bruised it will be when the weight of the bag sends him backwards on the floor; but instead I smiled at the sound of worry that snuck out from between his own lips, and watched him swing the bag away from me and slam it down on the stair. "What the hell did you pack?" He looked up at me in confusion, and still I smiled back. My brown eyes were all to delighted to finally connect with his, and we giggled for just a second.
"It's not what I packed, it's how You helped me pack it. All the heavy items are in there, to save the crisps from being squished in the other bag." -Let me take the time to tell you now, that I have an answer for almost anything. Anything that has nothing to do with my own personal problems anyway. I'm not sure he liked every answer, but my smart ass behaviour was rarely left unappreciated in some way. "Don't worry, we can take turns if it gets too heavy."
"I'm just glad they have trollies at the airport." He smiled again. The word 'trollies' repeated a few times in my head as I made my way down the rest of the stairs and picked up my jacket. I'm not going to hear that word in Canada... "Get yourself ready!" He said, probably aware of the dive my heart was about to make into my stomach. I looked down at the zip of my jacket, blinked away my weakness, and sat on the bottom stair putting on my 'trainers'.
My once white shoes reflected my days playing footie with the boys, as they were still covered in mud and grass. White jeans, that just barely covered my knee also told the story of tumbling in the field - as well as on the road; however, most of that colour came out in the wash. Nonetheless, I enjoyed my stains all the same. If I could, I would tell the world how much these insignificant streaks of accidental colour meant to me... though I don't think anybody would understand. Just as nobody would understand why I liked my black worn out jacket to be grey as a clouded sky, and my hair to be red as a bloodied moon. Just as Darrel didn't understand why my heart beat uncontrollably fast around him, and my heart didn't understand why. Understanding is overrated.
"You got everything?" He asked, despite the fact that we were already ten minutes away from home and still twenty minutes away from the tube, with five minutes less than what we needed. I loved the fact that he was still trying to take care of me in the way I never felt my parents did; however, I couldn't help feeling like the five year old who didn't go pee before the road trip.
"I think I left my underwear on the floor of your living room actually. You're going to have some explaining to do when you get back home."
"Oh very funny. I could probably pass those undies as a bed sheet anyway...Fatty." -If there was one reason we got along, it was simply because we both knew how to take a joke. My chubby exterior was always the root of somebody's joke, and eventually one learns to blend in with that very laughter. I felt my cheeks grow warmer with two shades of pink, as I smiled at the ground and he smiled at me. It was all I could do to stop my neck from picking up and looking back at him. I wanted to soak in the way his lips molded happiness across his face, the dimples that hid beneath his five -A.M.- shadow, the dip in his nose that was unmistakeably a gift from his mother. I wanted to inhale the air that surrounded his skin, the skin the surrounded my world, the height that reached my cookie jar. I knew though that soaking up my temporary sun wasn't going to be enough to keep away the clouds, and I just wasn't ready to face the rain. So I kept pupils staring down into the cement and shifted my mind onto someone elses race track.
The warm wind brushed my hair back behind my shoulders, and in my head I felt as if I should reach down and make sure a skirt didn't come flying up. It's that kind of girly thinking that makes me wonder if air sweeps away some of my brain cells as it brushes past - I'm not feminine enough to wear a skirt and I definately didn't look as pretty as I felt. No air was finding it's way into my heavy coat and God knows how much body heat was trapped between it and my skin. (Why do I always remember to put on deoderant when it's too late?)
I melted inside my own heat for a few more minutes and found myself standing at the back of a mass of people waiting to catch the tube. Some people think you don't start saying goodbye until just before you leave. Soak in the surroundings, hug whoever you're with and be on your way. Not me. I have to let go slowly. I analyzed the brick walls of the underground tunnel, and the lady in her yellow jacket. Couldn't help but wonder if she thought she was going to get lost in the dark. I heard the plopping sound of a heavy bag, and felt Darrel's cold hands on my stomach. He stood behind me and pulled me in close, resting his head on my shoulder. Without seeing him, or even looking to try, I knew his eyes were closed and his lips were taking in a deep breath. We weren't dating, but we knew how to hold eachother. How to protect eachother with no need to fight, love eachother with no need for words... Or atleast I loved him.
His arms trembled around me. Reaching my hand up to his neck, I was able to stop time to give him all the strength I had. 'I'll never leave you alone.'
Our feet touched the earth, but the world was gone for so long. We made it to the airport without letting go of eachother's hands, and it seemed people were quieter than usual. Nobody's voice would make a home in my ears while his skin was upon mine. Which is a terrible thing when a tiny brunette lady was too quiet to begin with. " 'N I see yo pas-poe plea?" She asked, without even bothering to finish the words. "Miss, I see yo pas-poe plea?" She repeated again - no louder than the first time. Eventually I felt Darrel's hands swimming through my carry on bag, and he pulled out my passport... My mind caught up with me fast after that.
"-She's got two bags." Darrel said, answering yet another question for me. (Okay, so I lied, my mind never catches up fast at times like these.) The tiny brunette behind the counter gave me a smile. I didn't mind so much, being an idiot could get me some special treatment if I play my cards right. I felt my lips assume their position and returned a smile specially made for her. My bags went sliding away on the treadmill like machine, and until then I had not truly seen just how small she was. We watched as the only female oompa loompa reached down to 'the mother of a bag' and attempted to move it off to the side. Her muscles flexed, and her lips pursed, but in the end all she really did was change colour. Regaining her composure, she looked up at us and acted as if she had done what she was set out to do. I took back my passport, and she took back her smile.
Darrel and I spent our last fifteen minutes wandering around, looking for a peaceful place to say our goodbyes. We found this place by two very large windows, near some Heathrow Airport shops. Part of me was wishing he would hold me again, and I could tell him what I felt; though all of me knew he wasn't going to do that. After all, a woman's irrational emotional levels were never something that anybody wanted to bring out of a girl intentionally. It was time to rip this bandaid off fast. (Though, how somebody can think that fast is painless, I have no idea.) I felt my hands reach up to his face, and feel the stubble around his cheeks for a moment. At that moment I wished my arms would communicate with my heart, because if they had known how much pain was waiting to be released my fingers would not be tracing lines around his jaw. He moved my fingers onto his shoulders, his hands upon my waiste, and his lips onto my forehead. -I've never wished to be deformed, but what a perfect time to have my lips up there. (*)
"I heart you." He said with a smile, replacing his lips with his forehead and leaning into me. I smiled, knowing that all this meant was that he was going to miss my company. We'd been over it too many times for me to still think it meant he loved me. "Have a good trip, and...don't ring me when you get in please, I hate the phone. Email me, I'll be there waiting for it. Okay?" He mustered up one of the most handsome smiles I had ever seen, aside from his sincere one. Looking at him was like looking at my very own soul, and I knew that as soon as I let go I'd feel my heart trying to stay with him. With it.
"I love you, baby." I closed my eyes before my heart could escape, and let go of him slowly. I kissed him on the lips fast, and softly to make sure he didn't feel the tremble that took over. I got away with my stolen prize and left him with my own mustered smile. "I'll email, before I unpack... but you better get some sleep before then." I tapped his nose, and let go of him completely now. It was time to go while I was still standing, and before I left him too burdened. "Bye handsome." I put as much bounce into my last few steps through the door as I could. Feeling strong was never in me, but looking strong was natural... Until I watched him mouth to me his goodbyes, realizing the quiver in his chin. I left my heart in his pocket.