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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: CLOUD COMPANYdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: obaid
    ASL Info:    21/M/Gauntlet
    Elite Ratio:    4.52 - 148/93/34
    Words: 97
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 695
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 677



    Description:
       feeling imperfect for the one you love...feeling that her previous relationship was better than what you have with her...feeling that her X was better for her than you are...this is what the poem is all about...try and relate to it ppl!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCLOUD COMPANYdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The clouds fight and then it rains
    Solitary walk alongside dales.
    Contemplation about the times to come.
    This suicidal zeal brings nothing but harm.

    Dreaming to be devoid
    Of unnecessary emotions.
    Failure creeps in
    As 'hope' my mind shuns.

    So much is lost and so less is gained.
    Broken and shattered like a train- derailed.

    Walkin the road that has been walked before.
    Brought you pain
    While your sanity he bore.

    You need somebody stronger
    To erase your past.
    Will the clouds move away...
    To let sunshine through at last?




    Submitted on 2008-06-05 03:09:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The clouds fight then it rains – DELETE ‘AND’
    Solitary walk alongside dales.
    Contemplation about times to come. – DELETE ‘THE’
    suicidal zeal brings nothing but harm. – DELETE ‘THE’

    Dreaming to be devoid
    Of unnecessary emotions. – WHAT EMOTIONS ARE YOU SPEAKING OF?
    Failure creeps in
    As hope my mind shuns. – NEVER USE QUOTES

    So much is lost and less is gained. – NOT QUITE RHYMING ‘RAINS’ HERE, DELETE 2nd ‘SO’
    Broken and shattered like a train derailed. – NO DASH REQUIRED

    Walkin(g) the road walked before. – DELETE ‘THAT HAS BEEN’
    Brought you pain – WHO IS ‘YOU’ HERE?
    While your sanity he bore. – WHO IS ‘HE’?

    You need somebody stronger
    To erase your past.
    Will the clouds move away...
    To let sunshine through at last?

    I BATTLE DEPRESSION TOO, SO I CAN RELATE TO THIS. I LIKE THE MEANDERING NATURE OF IT, BUT YOU NEVER SEEM TO COME TO A DEFINITE CONCLUSION. IF THAT’S THE POINT IT NEEDS TO BE MORE STRONGLY MADE. RAIN IS USUALLY A METAPHOR FOR LIFE OR GRIEF, AND YOU CHANGE THAT HERE IN AN ORIGINAL WAY TO MAKE IT ABOUT BEING DEPRESSED.

    IT DOESN’T COME THROUGH WHO YOU ARE SPEAKING ABOUT HERE. I’M NOT SURE WHO ‘YOU’ AND ‘HE’ ARE (STANZA 4), ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU USE ‘MY’ IN STANZA 2. IF THIS IS ABOUT YOURSELF IT’S OK TO STATE THAT. CHANGES IN TENSE NEED TO BE FIXED.

    OVERALL NOT A BAD EFFORT.
    | Posted on 2009-08-25 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      its always dangerous to compare yourself to another.
    especially if that other is a previous lover.
    theres usually a reason that lover is previous though you may not be able to see it when you feel like youre failing your love and letting them down...

    sometimes strength isnt all its cracked up to be.

    i loved a boy who ended his life. i kept him alive for almost a year and talked him out of all kinds of attempts of suicide. then he got it in his head that he needed to stay alive till those closest to him were happy. ironic really. because once his closest friend found a lover my boy ended his life thinking everyone was happy.

    how can anyone be happy after that?!

    that was a while ago now and ive moved with the grieving process and found all kinds of things within myself that i didnt know were there but its odd... the emphasis people put on being good enough for their love. the constant questioning and longing to be and do everything to make their lovers lives perfect and blemish-free and yet...

    sometimes people have to take responsibility for their own happiness.

    i dont know. theres a lot of ramble in here that may or may not apply but i guess what im trying to tell you is that you are more than enough. if you werent your person wouldnt be with you

    and if it all worries you too much maybe talk to her about your fears and insecurities and see what her response is... if she giggles at you then you can be sure she thinks what youre saying is silly which proves, ina backward way, that you are more than enough.

    there is a reason ex lovers are ex lovers...
    | Posted on 2009-08-24 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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