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Forever<3


Author: Krinchinian
ASL Info:    20/f/pa
Elite Ratio:    3.12 - 164 /231 /84
Words: 125
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1213
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 787



Description:




Forever<3



My heart is in your hands
To love until the end of time
i promise to love you forever
Until our bell has its final chime

You make me forget to breathe
When you let your kiss linger
My stomach fills with butterflies
With one touch of your finger

Before you i didn't truly live
My life was a repeating day
Your turned my skies to bright blue
From that once frightening grey

Everyday we spend together
Brings new memories to share
I love when we just lay in bed
And you run fingers through my hair

I don't ever want to imagine
One day without us together
you are the one true love for me
We will be together forever




Submitted on 2008-06-05 11:11:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  i'm really glad to know that there is some hope with people writing poetry about love nicely,
and still classically.
the structure and format was pretty freaking good.
and i think that's completely important if you're going to rhyme.
and you did a nice job collaborating all these traits together nicely.
nice work.
Peace<3

<bleedingtears>
| Posted on 2008-06-06 00:00:00 | by BleedingTears | [ Reply to This ]
  This is wonderful, Kristine! It has excellent structure, rhyme scheme, and story. Aaah, and love makes such a wonderful story. You have a developing talent that is very good, and I look forward to more delightful work from you.

I have a couple of suggestions that you might consider which I think would improve the meter of the poem without changing the meaning;in the first stanza

'My heart is in your hands
To love until the end of time
i promise to love you forever
Until our bell has its final chime'

I would use the contraction "till" in both places that you have used until. Until has two syllables, while "till" only has one, and the meter is improved.

In the next to last stanza

'And you run fingers through my hair'

I suggest
"and you caress my hair"

same meaning, but the meter is improved.

Nice work, lovely lady!



| Posted on 2008-06-05 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]


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