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    dots Submission Name: Brokendots

    Author: Jessica Lynn
    ASL Info:    22/f/mn
    Elite Ratio:    2.86 - 121/119/57
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 710
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 667

       I wrote this a while back but it still means something to me. tell me what you think?

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    In the cold a flower wilts.
    And soon again the sinking hills,
    turn to stone and break into black.
    The pain returns and darkness attacks.
    Frozen in a blanket of cold.
    I stay not because I am bold,
    but because I live warmer here,
    than pale from the pain of living there.
    My heart is frozen in my place,
    better than to be covered by lace,
    and broken into so many peices.
    Stolen and lost for unknown reasons.
    Though here I watch as life slips away,
    from all life around i can honestly say,
    I'm happier now than i once was.
    Because no longer am i broken by love.

    Submitted on 2008-06-06 13:14:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      hi, how i read your poem, very good. poe

    thin ice

    In the cold flowers will wilt.
    for soon again the sinking hills
    turn to stone and break into black.
    The pain returns as darkness attacks.
    Frozen in a blanket of cold loveless ice
    I stayed not because I am bold or strong,
    but because I can live alone braver there
    too pale from the pain of living with you.
    My heart is frozen in place and in time,
    it's better than to be covered by lace
    stitched into so many little pieces.
    Stolen and lost for known reasons.
    Though here watching life slip away
    and all life around me honestly stays,
    I'm much happier now than when on ice.
    for no longer am I broken by a lovers pick.
    | Posted on 2008-08-21 00:00:00 | by poetotoe | [ Reply to This ]
      somehow i think that this piece fits how it is written...
    as one continuatious piece, it comes across as detached and somewhat numbed to me
    "Frozen in a blanket of cold."
    "My heart is frozen in my place,"
    in keeping with that 2 lines

    thats what i thought about it
    | Posted on 2008-07-07 00:00:00 | by rubymoon | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a good poem . It has a lot of Feeling and potential if you were to just expand your horizens and maybe add a little more and separate it like Ron Cole said. Everyone has felt like this one time or another and i cant think of a better way to let it all out and write about it..... thats what my poem " Emotionless" is about. If you want go take a look at it. Jessica i can see that your a good writer. And i would really like to see more of your writings. All in all awesome poem keep'em comming

    | Posted on 2008-06-10 00:00:00 | by Rehian | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm... The poem is good, although the flow could be better. Ron I see this more like a celebration of solitude rather than death. Jessica in this poem is kinda describing her own personal space. That space inside your head or soul, if you believe in such things, where you retreat to be alone and distant. Though the thing is this makes no sense. In writing this poem and posting it here you kinda invite us there. So I guess being lonely is not that great, now is it?
    | Posted on 2008-06-08 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      Jessica, this poem has good structure and a lot of promise. It would be better if it were separated into stanzas, with four lines to a stanza. This way, it gives the reader both a visual and a mental pause as he reads the poem (it keeps it from running together).

    An explanation in the comments section as to what the poem is all about would help also, as it seems like the poem celebrates death (Though here I watch as life slips away) freeing one from the bonds of love (and I don't really think that is the meaning).

    There is a lot of soul and a lot of talent and promise in this write, Jessica!
    | Posted on 2008-06-06 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]

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