Invisible Filters of Truth
|
|
Description:
Well, I hadn't posted anything in a long while. I think it was rather intentional since I felt that what I was writing or the themes I was exploiting were in a way undermining my emotional stability.
This is brand- new stuff in every sense coz I’ve drifted away from the usual topics.... I remember that Bill once told me he was intrigued by what I could do with a different theme ... though I'm not sure if this would fulfil his past expectations, to put that way. The write itself is awfully personal …. At the beginning when I was in the draft stage it sounded rather choppy... Don’t know if I fixed it ….
Anyhow, I'd like to hear all kind of comments.... whatever you want to say about it would be fine..... I hope people could tell what they think is at the bottom of it.... but as I formerly said all kind of comments or criticism would be ok ... even if you downright loathe it.... Don’t hesitate in telling me all about it. If you comment on my write I promise I'll do the same for you.
This is brand- new stuff in every sense coz I’ve drifted away from the usual topics.... I remember that Bill once told me he was intrigued by what I could do with a different theme ... though I'm not sure if this would fulfil his past expectations, to put that way. The write itself is awfully personal …. At the beginning when I was in the draft stage it sounded rather choppy... Don’t know if I fixed it ….
Anyhow, I'd like to hear all kind of comments.... whatever you want to say about it would be fine..... I hope people could tell what they think is at the bottom of it.... but as I formerly said all kind of comments or criticism would be ok ... even if you downright loathe it.... Don’t hesitate in telling me all about it. If you comment on my write I promise I'll do the same for you.
Invisible Filters of Truth
Imperceptible messages sent, A lifetime wasted in vain, What’s left … is the need to change To press the right button and rise, To make visible the unknown, To repair what was made wrong, To fix the failing filters, To keep what really matters, and to really start to see. Alas! The right click can do wonders, A few signs can make the difference, A few pointers can save one’s life. For I tasted the sweet pollen Of the truth and I marvelled At the immediate result. Then, reality becomes a myth And what we thought was true Is merely a reflection of a former experience! |
Submitted on 2008-06-06 23:10:54 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post
Comments
| You see I percieve poetry in a different way from a lot of people that use this site and maybe that is my flaw maybe we all see if different I don't know. But, when I see a poem, prose, story, or whatever it maybe, I don't really look at the technical aspect, more the feelings and visions that the writer had in mind and if I can relate to the writer or if they show me the feeling or visulization through their words, when I read I guess I like to be able to feel and visulize the words rather than just read them if that makes sense. I only say this because my critique will be completely different from the others on this page. When I read this I didn't even see a metiphor for the internet and still don't really, I see a person sitting down taking a long hard look at themselves and realising that they have wasted so much time and effort on inconsequencial things, but now they seem to have a path that offers them the happiness, freedom and fulfilment they have craved for so long. A few lines that stuck out for me: "To make visible the unknown" - It's taking that leap of of faith and finally realising that you have a little faith in yourself to try new things and when you do it can open so many doors but fear always kept you slowly peering round the door and never getting the courage to just barge in. " To keep what really matters, and to really start to see. " - The sudden realisation that all these silly little goals you set for yourself, dreams you've had and possessions you own, are really nothing when you focus on your potential you are can really be so much more and live in a happier place. And the last three stanzas..... When you find what you think you want to do (How i percieved "the right click") you start to pursue it and because you are at the start of the process of whatever it maybe, progression is fast and this thing can almost consume your life now and you are very happy with it. But as time goes by the progression starts to be hindered because of the ever increasing height of the hurdles you need to jump to get to your chosen destination. And then before you realise it you've started filling your life with all those things to fill the void between each hurdle, the things you put aside to pursue this thing you thought you'd found, then you look back and you are exactly here you were before you started chasing this goal, just with a little extra knowledge. Just my take had me thinking for quite a while with this write and I appauld it. One little niggle... Use of the word bottom? Should it of been button? Or maybe you were at the bottom then began to rise, this stumped me for a while if it's the later then I would suggest re-writting that line maybe: To feel the very bottom and rise,? i enjoyed it, but I am not what you may call a typical poetry person I guess, so take what you will and disregard any you feel are my ramblings. Danny. | Posted on 2009-02-19 00:00:00 | by corruptedspirit | [ Reply to This ] | It's an idea that deserves to be expressed, but I think this poem needs a lot of work. You said you wanted all kinds of comments, so I'm going to give you an in-depth critique, if you don't mnd. | FIRST STANZA: Imperceptible messages sent, A lifetime wasted in vain, What’s left … is the need to change ...wasted in vain,... redundant within itself. If it is 'wasted', then it was 'in vain'. You say a lifetime, so that indicates a lengthy period. Why don't you say something like "A lifetime lived in vain" or just "A lifetime wasted"? SECOND STANZA: To press the right bottom and rise, To make visible the unknown, To repair what was made wrong, To fix the failing filters, To keep what really matters, and to really start to see. Press the right "bottom"? Huh? Do you mean 'button' as in on a computer mouse? What is unknown is not necessarily invisible. You've mixed your metaphors/similes with this line. Make both comparisons either known/unknow/ or visible/ivisible. 'To repair what was made wrong, ' Here, you've switched to passive voice. It's better in active voice. This is a sudden backig-off from your exhortations. If you don't want to use a pronoun, the just do a "repair what is broken." THIRD AND FOURTH STANZAS Alas! The right click can do wonders, A few signs can make the difference, A few pointers can save one’s life. For I tasted the sweet pollen Of the truth and I marvelled At the immediate result. I don't understand "A few signs..." What signs? Have we switched metaphors and gone from the internet to somewhere else? 'or I tasted the sweet pollen' - Here you really have switched metaphors, but this is all we get of it. Not good. Either stick with the iternet metaphor or do more with this one. "I marvelled at the result" - What result? You tell us you marvelled at it, but you don't ell us what it is. That's not fair! LAST STANZA Then, reality becomes a myth And what we thought was true Is merely a reflection of a former experience! I have an almost violent reaction when I see a line beginning with 'then' or 'there.' It's like you're writing a list. You've got a twist here. Don't water it down or bar the door with 'then'. Use "Finally" or "In the end" or something else to indicate that you're coming to an end but that it's not what the reader expects. I hope you work on this poem more. I love this kind of writing. There are just some significant wording problems, at least in my opinion. mae | Posted on 2008-12-26 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ] | Very nice poem. Choices, a poem I've written and will post here soon, resembles this poem some in the fact that it talks about repairing things and diving into the unkown and change. This poem is very good and you used some great vocabulary in it to get the message across in a rather unique way. I love the last 2 lines where you talked about truth and made it sound as if it were something tangible, because sometimes it really does seem as if it is. I also liked how you stated that it made you feel great once you first "tasted" truth, but then something happens and what we used to believe as truth and reality becomes fiction and is not what really is. This is a really good poem. | My only critique was that I wish it was a little longer because it felt lacking to me. I mean, not really in a bad way because the poem itself is really good, but I wish it was a little longer and maybe went into more detail about the changes or about truth. Overall it is a good poem though. | Posted on 2008-10-20 00:00:00 | by FlickerofHope | [ Reply to This ] | It's a double edge sword and a cruel notion; even more so considering how true it is. It's sad when all you have of the truth is the feelingor the moments that will never be brought back to life. But what's good about it is that it's the closest thing you can get to a fresh start. All you really need is the ability to believe. | I don't really have anything constructive to say. I wish I do but... anyway. This is a pretty solid read.  | Posted on 2008-06-08 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ] | Imperceptible messages sent, | A lifetime wasted in vain, What’s left … is (the need) to change To press the right bottom and rise, To make visible the unknown, To repair what (was) made wrong, To fix the failing filters, To keep what really matters, and to really start to see. Alas! The right click can do wonders, A few signs can make the difference, A few pointers can save one’s life. For I tasted the sweet pollen Of the truth and (I marveled) (At the) immediate result. Then, reality becomes a myth And what we thought was true Is merely a reflection of a former experience! I feel as if I've been given a lesson in basic page navigation on the net, Ethan. Perhaps the 'invincible filters' you mention in the title are similar to security protocols built into each device to isolate viruses. And the 'right click' is a metaphor for the proper manner to express oneself to avoid error (unintended offense and embarrassment) and the means to rectify (erase or apologize for) the error. I've made a few suggestions regarding word choice, but the bulk of this write seems clear enough to the reader. Good to hear from you again. Take care. Bill | Posted on 2008-06-07 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ] | |
162233
Edit/Delete posts
Create Writing
Create Journal