Blissful 'til Aware by Krazy

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Submission Name: Blissful 'til Aware dots

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Author:	Krazy
ASL Info:	20/F/Lost in the woods?
Elite Ratio:	6.39 - 342/301/44
Words:	172

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	158
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1148

Description:

Blissful 'til Aware dots

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They sat together, no other in the world,
just them two
There they stayed, knees touching,
hands clasped like glue

Brought together by destiny,
kept together with love
This pair of unknown angels,
were blessed from above

His dreams were focused on her,
as her's were only of him
Nothing alive could touch them,
their faith would not dim

Fate's cruel side, the bloodied Goddess,
came out to play
Sight set on the lovers, she parted cold lips,
her punishment to lay

Their adoration sparked fire in her eyes,
made her words a thin hiss
Cursing the two, with glee so bright,
that never shall they enjoy another soft kiss

Fate had shown Valentine lust for another,
eyes roamed, detecting heat
Sybil was given a taste of power,
heart full of corruption and deceit

Forever would they turn a cold eye on eachother
detesting what they once were
While Fate sits upon her ebon throne
alone and oh so bitter

Submitted on 2008-06-07 01:42:51 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  that thats so sad T_T

but it was great too

sweet job!
| Posted on 2008-07-24 00:00:00 | by twistedchick | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi Krazy, I like the story and I would say, even though it may seem a bit cheeky that this could be molded into something very nice. I don't want to sound like I'm the almighty as far as poetry is concerned but this reads more like a first draft than a finished article. It's good to read something with a bit of rhyme and although you've stuck to the abcb pattern throughout, the difference in length from line to line offers obstacles for the reader to trip up on. It's nothing massive and I'm not saying you need to bang out perfect pentameter, but revising some lines, I feel (in my humble opinion) would improve this somewhat (I know this is in stark contrast to the previous comment, opinions eh!!:))

Later

| Posted on 2008-07-03 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, as I've said, I am here to critique, comment, and sugges to Ms. Krazygirl. If this isn't one of my longer comments, I am very sorry. It's been like forever since I've written a lot. Right now, I am feeling good and I think I could possibly crack if anything goes too wrong. "Blissful 'til Aware" by Krazy. It would seem that this poem would end in such a good note, but noting the "'til", we're talking a tragedy of some sorts. It's not your typical Romeo and Juliet condensed into seven stanzas, we're talking more of The Tempest meeting a different end. By reading this poem, each word does have its value.

The basic structure is nothing complex. It's very straightforward and even grade schoolers should be able to read it. It's something simple for people like me to read and get the idea. It's not to fast nor too slow; I can actually get a clear reading every time. I'm totally digging the flow. It's almost giving off the vibe that says, "hey, I should be the first edict in a series of chronicles that explains a tragic side to love."

"They sat together, no other in the world,
just them two
There they stayed, knees touching,
hands clasped like glue

Brought together by destiny,
kept together with love
This pair of unknown angels,
were blessed from above

His dreams were focused on her,
as her's were only of him
Nothing alive could touch them,
their faith would not dim"

The first part of the poem is peachy keen. Everything is pretty much straight forward and it sounds like any other healthy relationship. Have you ever seen a couple on a bench in the park on a sunny day. You know, the couple that's all lovey-dovey. Personally, I am against PDA of all sexualities. Oh it's the perfect scene that transends throughout all eras and generations. The second stanza's first two lines are almost as parallel as the Chorus part to Romeo and Juliet. It's uncanny. I felt as if your first three stanzas came out strong. This is the "Bliss" of the title. The word bliss is like a storm of soft pink cherry blossom petals falling down. It's stunning to watch all day.

"Fate's cruel side, the bloodied Goddess,
came out to play
Sight set on the lovers, she parted cold lips,
her punishment to lay

Their adoration sparked fire in her eyes,
made her words a thin hiss
Cursing the two, with glee so bright,
that never shall they enjoy another soft kiss"

Fate is one cruel female dog. She's always there to slap you down when you're happy. Fat is constantly hungry to hurt someone, but we do nothing in return. I enjoyed how you personified the concept of fate. It's laying the smack down on the the couple and it's something most people can relate to. I wouldn't change a single bit out of these two stanzas because you created your version of Fate. She's having one of her off days and she's ready for everyone to know. She is the villainess that ruins happily ever after. Everything is relevant to the topic and I feel that nothing was unclear. This is where I believe "'til" comes in.

"Fate had shown Valentine lust for another,
eyes roamed, detecting heat
Sybil was given a taste of power,
heart full of corruption and deceit

Forever would they turn a cold eye on eachother
detesting what they once were
While Fate sits upon her ebon throne
alone and oh so bitter"

My first interpretation of the first stanza (boy): Fate has somehow turned into some kinda sexy, kinda hot, kinda kinky girl and the dude has split from his true love to this new chick on the block. With that interpretation, it doesn't link to the second paragraph in the quote. So I believe that my second interpretation is the one I feel is right. Second idea (girl): Fate has possessed the girl to turn away from her male companion to another man of her choice. After she was done doing the dirty, she kept it from her boyfriend, felt guilt, came out to him, and then they broke up or something of the sort. Now instead of being happy with true love, she has nothing in the end. I did say that this was very easy to read, but there's so many possibilities that can swarm into ones head. Now that we have our "Aware", can one be aware of fate?

I hate to say "It's original", but the fact is, it is what it is; original. Though the concept is very well written throughout the ages of man and verbally discussed, it is the approach that matters. I love the way you described Fate's throne, "ebon". Is it ee-bone, eb-on, or ee-bon? See, I can't tell you what I would've done differently. I'm more of a story guy. Bonnie, these are poems that I enjoy and it's about time for me to hit the hay. At least was lucky enough to end the day on a good note. Thank you.
| Posted on 2008-06-08 00:00:00 | by Finnigan | [ Reply to This ]

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