Stained Cotton Sheets by Sheakhan

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Submission Name: Stained Cotton Sheets dots

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Author:	Sheakhan
ASL Info:	21/M/FL
Elite Ratio:	5.72 - 163/168/74
Words:	161

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	93
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	960

Description:
Very rough

very very rough

Stained Cotton Sheets dots

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I wrote it all off as an act of god
but the rain's what gave it away
when it fell all sideways on the cotton sheets
i should have ran to the thunder,
far away.

I stuck around for a couple months
as the stagnancy took hold
and each of us seemed to fuse as one
but we just thought it was the cold,
holding us together

she loved me like i loved the road
but our needs tore us away
and i didn't feel the least bit bad
as i stumbled towards the thunder,
i had long been set astray.

I wrote it all off as an act of god
but her tears gave it away
when they fell sideways on my cotton sleeve
i fled to the thunder,
far away

fled to the thunder over those hills
where the backlighting was cruel.
as it lent deception to their worth
as silent sandstone gods.

Submitted on 2008-06-07 12:34:40 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I loved this. I clicked it because the title drew me in, and I'm glad that I did. I am envious of this piece.

I was taken from the start after reading,
"I wrote it all off as an act of god
but the rain's what gave it away
when it fell all sideways on the cotton sheets...."

After reading through to even thaqt second line, I was hooked.

And I thought another particularly powerful part was this-

"I stuck around for a couple months
as the stagnancy took hold
and each of us seemed to fuse as one
but we just thought it was the cold,
holding us together"

I also loved how you brought it back to the first line, but then changed the second and third line from rain and cotton sheets to her tears and your cotton sleeves.

I also thought you had a powerful ending. Honestly, I can't tell you how to improve this because....just....wow. I wish I could say this was mine. A powerful emotional story is wrapped up here in some beautiful, intense lines that roll very well.

This reminds me of a personal situation I've been in, and perhaps particularly the second stanza.
| Posted on 2008-06-16 00:00:00 | by Cloacina | [ Reply to This ]
  most of all i appreciated the second stanza... we thught it was the cold keeping us together...

sometimes we do stick around too long and for reasons we dont fully know and we get confused by "signs" we see but perhaps have interpreted wrongly.

i liked the way the sheets became a sleeve...
sheets speaking to me of intimacy and sleeves making me think of kids wiping snotty noses on them... a progression... a time to move on.

i like the idea of writing something off as an act of god. its such a loose and undefinable term that you can prolly slap over anything you dont really understand or dont want anything to do with [i think thats what insurance companies use the term for]
if its an act of god there cannot be any arguement [unless you are billy connoly and want to sue god...]

this was well done.
| Posted on 2008-06-08 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  I like it. For some reason, this reminds me of Into the Wild. Well, at least it has that heart. And it is that sad yet accepting notion that drives it straight to my gut to establish one hell of a connection.

I've been in the same position so I can't really estimate how powerful this piece is without being bias. But then again, is there any other way to judge a poem?

Good job, sir.
| Posted on 2008-06-08 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]

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