Modified today whatever day it is, as per kind advice of my critics.
YES!
This Verbosity Suits, a Recollection Tentative. -------------------------------------------
there's a heartbreak crossing
at the end of the road
the rails still hot with fear
you can smell the stench
of engine smoke
as the monstrous thing barrels near
and a cold hard grip
keeps you bound to the spot
letting winter ride up your spine
and it's strange to think
you should be so disposed
as an hour ago you were fine
but the heart is an engine
an engine broke down
and an engine destoyed cannot be
restored or repaired
but a replacement made
and the former
'gain used
shall not be.
there's a heartbreak crossing
at the end of the road
the rails were once hot with fear
long ago would a man
find himself paralyzed there
as a terrible train rumbled near
but the rails they cool
though once white with the heat
as the railcar rolls off the line
an old hearbreak once ran
from the start to the end
until it's old engine resigned
there's a heartbreak crossing
at the end of the road,
the rails still hot with fear.
you can smell the stench
of engine smoke
as the monstrous thing barrels near.
and a cold hard grip
keeps you bound to the spot
letting winter ride up your spine.
- As the punctuation is of no use, I think you shold leave it all together. Then you add a feeling of 'intermission' into the text; a sense of something incomplete. It kind of let a poem spread out and conquer itself - that was some odd wording, sorry!!
- Point is, there is no point in ending a stanza with a period, as the line break frames it. Also you do not start the following stanza wit a capital letter, making it a bit confusing...
and it's strange to think
you should be so disposed
as an hour ago you were fine.
but the heart is a totem
a totem cut down
and a totem restored cannot be
for a new one erected
replaces the old
and the former
will upright
never be.
- I am really sorry to see you loose the train in the last to stanzas. That is what should bring this piece together. I would suggest you try to get it into these lines. The shift in symbols is confusing and messy. I see the point in the totem, but the lead in demands a train. Consistency!
Submission Name: This Verbosity Suits, a Recollection Tentative.
