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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: No More Lamentsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: pioneerheart
    Elite Ratio:    4.6 - 190/178/112
    Words: 136
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 47
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 873



    Description:
       a poem


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNo More Lamentsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    All my anguish, through time, is
    miniscule and can all be held at
    the very ebb, of the tip of my broken, finger

    For many years, I listened as your tongue
    wagged arrows at my, innocent heart.

    You were alway a tyrant, damn Firehorse
    But, you failed in plundering and pillaging
    my village (heart), at the end.

    An end, so long, overdue.
    The scale of justice, is still off
    it's weights & measures,
    as the overseer doesn't care,
    for my happiness,
    as it also neglects its control of
    markets so crude.

    Yet, my heart is a pioneer,
    excited of the fleeting promise,
    of Love's reward,
    which I am a stranger of.

    Hope is my companion and tears for you
    are dead, sea salt, memories.




    Submitted on 2008-06-09 21:10:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the overall breaking-free on the wings of hope feeling of this poem. The image of the pioneer heart leaving it's sad old home to bodly go explore new places to find what it needs - it's inspiring. But I think there are several things in this poem that don't really work as well as the best parts do... though that could just be me so feel free to ignore my rambles.

    the very ebb, of the tip of my broken, finger

    Firstly, those commas i don't think work grammatically. I think if you want to get the effect of pauses where those commas are then using line breaks would work better.

    wagged arrows at my, innocent heart.

    To me "wagged arrows" really doesn't convey the sense of pain and danger that arrows being fired at a heart should. Wagged just sounds like they flop limply towards you, it's such an unviolent word.

    You were alway a tyrant, damn Firehorse
    But, you failed in plundering and pillaging
    my village (heart), at the end.


    I really like the imagine of the pillaging Firehorse, but that last line does seem like it's overstating the obvious. I don't think you need to say "heart" in brackets, or even say "my village"... "the village" would work just as well.

    of Love's reward,
    which I am a stranger of.


    The repetition of "of" emphasises that little word too much in a way that distracts from the more important words in those two lines. I think if you changed the second line around a bit so that it ended on "stranger" it would carry more power in it.

    Also, a general criticism I have of the poem is that the language and syntax at times feel quite archaic, such as here:

    as the overseer doesn't care,
    for my happiness,
    as it also neglects its control of
    markets so crude.


    The wording in the second half feels dated and lifeless in a way that your best lines don't. That's just my stylistic taste really though.

    Anyhow, I hope some of that helps.
    | Posted on 2008-06-10 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
      surely an excellent piece of writing, im glad i got the chance to read it over. simple, straightforward, good word choice, ranging metaphors...however, your mention of (heart) was too obvious, it takes the intention from the poem...i believe poetry is best left alone, as it were. either way, the author seems to always know best. well done.

    -tony
    | Posted on 2008-06-10 00:00:00 | by wonderbread1000 | [ Reply to This ]



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