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Roleplay | Viral news today | Music Theory

Sandals

Author:	wanderingpoet16
Elite Ratio:	5.68 - 157 /177 /55
Words:	132

Class/Type:	Poetry /Misc
Total Views:	1038
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	828

Description:

Sandals

When you run
Your sandals tear
And the threads holding them together fringe
You might as well pause and place
Your sandals on the floor by the bedside
For tomorrow

For tomorrow, you may need them

They are brown and caked with mud
The bands that once held your heels have snapped
And your toes remain unbound by leather straps
They smell of sweat and toil

I would give you mine to wear
But they may not fit your misshapen feet
These sandals have molded to my feet
They may not be so comfortable to you

There are cobblers throughout the city
They would make your sandals like new
But why pay them to do the work
That you could surely do

Yourself.

Submitted on 2008-06-10 02:39:07 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments

Ok, so the way I would go about fixing this infamous stanza four is to write it as

"I would give you mine to wear
But they may not fit your misshapen feet
These sandals have molded to my soles
They may not be so comfortable to you"

Same number of syllables, no repetition of anything; life is good.

but this is your writing, and it's prety darn good, so feel free to just ignore this completely if you want.

Keep writing
~Venia

| Posted on 2008-06-10 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]

if you change

"I would give you mine to wear
But they may not fit your misshapen feet
These sandals have molded to my feet
They may not be so comfortable to you"

to

"I would give you mine to wear
But they may not fit your misshapen feet
These sandals have molded mine
They may not be so comfortable to you"
as rachel suggested then you would be repeated the word mine... lol... sure there is a sentence in between them but still...

i have to tell you that i was quite surprised when i read this. i havent been on this site for many months now and i didnt expect the first thing i read to be this good... it was very refreshing and welcoming as i am back to the site.

as far your write goes... the theme was quite original. i love reading poetry that is a topic that is outside the norm (i love, death, depression, lust, etc.). this was a very smooth read and like i said original. i also enjoyed its ambiguity. there is really no clear indication of who is talking or to whom and what they really mean by all this, but that pleases me. the imagery is enough for me to imagine and presume what my mind can conjure up.

thanks for the write. quite enjoyed it.

| Posted on 2008-06-10 00:00:00 | by Sacred Sindy | [ Reply to This ]

in s4, i'd suggest ending line3 simply "... to mine."
"feet" twice in a row is a little awkward.
something to consider.

i love the last five lines.

(i'm not in a commenting mood, sorry... if you want more, ask and i'll definitely let you know. i just... don't want to say anything more... or, i can't.)

it's simple and sweet, and i'm glad you shared it.

rachel

| Posted on 2008-06-10 00:00:00 | by sadtrapofgravit | [ Reply to This ]

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Sandals

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