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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sandalsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: wanderingpoet16
    Elite Ratio:    5.68 - 157/177/55
    Words: 132
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 840
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 828



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSandalsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    When you run
    Your sandals tear
    And the threads holding them together fringe
    You might as well pause and place
    Your sandals on the floor by the bedside
    For tomorrow

    For tomorrow, you may need them

    They are brown and caked with mud
    The bands that once held your heels have snapped
    And your toes remain unbound by leather straps
    They smell of sweat and toil

    I would give you mine to wear
    But they may not fit your misshapen feet
    These sandals have molded to my feet
    They may not be so comfortable to you

    There are cobblers throughout the city
    They would make your sandals like new
    But why pay them to do the work
    That you could surely do

    Yourself.




    Submitted on 2008-06-10 02:39:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Ok, so the way I would go about fixing this infamous stanza four is to write it as

    "I would give you mine to wear
    But they may not fit your misshapen feet
    These sandals have molded to my soles
    They may not be so comfortable to you"

    Same number of syllables, no repetition of anything; life is good.

    but this is your writing, and it's prety darn good, so feel free to just ignore this completely if you want.

    Keep writing
    ~Venia
    | Posted on 2008-06-10 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]
      if you change

    "I would give you mine to wear
    But they may not fit your misshapen feet
    These sandals have molded to my feet
    They may not be so comfortable to you"

    to

    "I would give you mine to wear
    But they may not fit your misshapen feet
    These sandals have molded mine
    They may not be so comfortable to you"
    as rachel suggested then you would be repeated the word mine... lol... sure there is a sentence in between them but still...

    i have to tell you that i was quite surprised when i read this. i havent been on this site for many months now and i didnt expect the first thing i read to be this good... it was very refreshing and welcoming as i am back to the site.

    as far your write goes... the theme was quite original. i love reading poetry that is a topic that is outside the norm (i love, death, depression, lust, etc.). this was a very smooth read and like i said original. i also enjoyed its ambiguity. there is really no clear indication of who is talking or to whom and what they really mean by all this, but that pleases me. the imagery is enough for me to imagine and presume what my mind can conjure up.

    thanks for the write. quite enjoyed it.
    | Posted on 2008-06-10 00:00:00 | by Sacred Sindy | [ Reply to This ]
      in s4, i'd suggest ending line3 simply "... to mine."
    "feet" twice in a row is a little awkward.
    something to consider.

    i love the last five lines.

    (i'm not in a commenting mood, sorry... if you want more, ask and i'll definitely let you know. i just... don't want to say anything more... or, i can't.)

    it's simple and sweet, and i'm glad you shared it.

    rachel
    | Posted on 2008-06-10 00:00:00 | by sadtrapofgravit | [ Reply to This ]


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