Her eyes were the color of a stagnant lagoon, murky and terribly uninviting. And if you locked stares long enough you could see that the waters of her eyes longed to be stirred. Perhaps the right words could skip like pebbles within them and bring life back again.
| Stir her, move her|
deep beneath the eyes
there is a dark abyss that begs
to be explored - there is life
the absent light cannot describe
a sort of hope
that purifies the edges
of the night
|| Posted on 2008-08-20 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ] || I know we're supposed to offer some sort of suggestions, but I can't come up with any. This seems complete. I enjoyed reading it. I think the beginning really grabs the attention since rarely do we hear of the color of someone's eyes being compared to anything like this. Theyt're usually compared to things that are considered by the general populace to be beautiful. While I can appreciate the look of a lagoon, it isn't to everyone's taste. This deviation from the expected catches the attention and draws you in.|
Also, this work is so powerful in such a short space. I love how some people can say so much, so perfectly in such a short space. This is one of those instances. I love the image it conveys, and the way it goes about unveiling it. Beautifully done.
|| Posted on 2008-06-16 00:00:00 | by Cloacina | [ Reply to This ] || Not very many writers can paint such a vivid picture for me, but I felt like I was standing in the story. |
I love the way this write seems to echo into the distance as if it wasn't finished.
P.S. It has been too long, I hope you are doing well. I look forward to catching up a bit.
|| Posted on 2008-06-11 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ] || Wow, this is very descriptive like phil said. It almost reminds of the times that I drive past that swamp in town and every time I see it, it looks to still, and almost dead. I like that you chose that comparison, because it really does make the eyes seem really dead, and it's funny about the people because I've felt the same way about that swamp. Phil already nitpicked, and I'm not even good at that anyways, haha. There's not as upsetting as not being able to put light into someone's eyes, though.|
|| Posted on 2008-06-10 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ] || Very discriptive. Eyes like water, yet unmoved, dark and lifeless.|
Suggestions: "color" - perhaps "embodiment.
"words" (flow like an undercureent beneath them).
Typo - "life."
I have seen such eyes, they tend to create an air of sadness.
|| Posted on 2008-06-10 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ] |