Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Betrayal (:dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: CourtneyLynne
    ASL Info:    23/female/Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.37 - 74/70/56
    Words: 78
    Class/Type: Misc/
    Total Views: 1279
    Average Vote:    4.6667
    Bytes: 616



    Description:
       Really upset about something, obviously. I didn't expect it to make any sense, but it kind of did. =]


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBetrayal (:dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Tired of wishing
    on black hearted stars
    hiding my heart
    behind iron bars
    cruising the dark
    on broken dreams
    bleeding, my hope
    turns black with screams
    betrayal's a blade
    close to my heart
    digging right in
    tearing apart
    cauterizing wounds
    lovely burning hate
    third degree fool
    love i can't take
    killing the nerves
    numb at the core
    something i can't
    feel like before
    scar tissue forms
    over the hope
    killing my heart,
    it's how i cope...




    Submitted on 2008-06-11 11:50:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      =] Nice. I like this. Four syllables per line, that I really liked. Capturing the feeling was kind of hard for me, and I'm still unsure if I am catching the vibe you had intended. Plus I like how you didn't break it up, it's altogether. You get a feel like you're suppose to be saying this quickly in some dark room somewhere. Nice work x3 Consider my story, I think you'll like it. It's called A girl's loss, a man's gain. =]] Good luck, with anything and everything. Unless it's murder or rape, cause that's a big no-no. =O
    | Posted on 2008-06-14 00:00:00 | by RulerxTaki | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a great write. It was so smooth and I personally like it without you breaking up the stanzas. I think it adds to the feeling and it all comes to the reader at once. I loved the line "third degree fool". It hit me the right way and made me feel even more for the writer and the poem itself.
    Awesome job! :D
    | Posted on 2008-06-13 00:00:00 | by DontxSurrender | [ Reply to This ]
      wow wow wow.

    truely. amazing.

    the whole poem was awsome. i loved your rhym scheme. i loved your flow and meter ( i did feel that it kind of got of in one place:
    "on broken dreams
    bleeding, my hope
    turns to black screams"
    the last line doesnt really flow. it might seem trivial but i think if you wrote "turns black with screams" it would flow better.)
    hmm.. try to break up the stanzas, it makes it easier to read.

    and i think thats about all..

    o yeah

    im making this a favorite.

    keepin it real
    ~annie
    | Posted on 2008-06-12 00:00:00 | by annie smith | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    162365

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Ache written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Carry written by saartha
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    written by Daniel Barlow
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Every..... written by jackz
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Fasade written by jackz
    AI written by poetotoe
    True Death written by layDsayD

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry