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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Betrayal (:dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: CourtneyLynne
    ASL Info:    23/female/Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.37 - 74/70/56
    Words: 78
    Class/Type: Misc/
    Total Views: 1319
    Average Vote:    4.6667
    Bytes: 616



    Description:
       Really upset about something, obviously. I didn't expect it to make any sense, but it kind of did. =]


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBetrayal (:dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Tired of wishing
    on black hearted stars
    hiding my heart
    behind iron bars
    cruising the dark
    on broken dreams
    bleeding, my hope
    turns black with screams
    betrayal's a blade
    close to my heart
    digging right in
    tearing apart
    cauterizing wounds
    lovely burning hate
    third degree fool
    love i can't take
    killing the nerves
    numb at the core
    something i can't
    feel like before
    scar tissue forms
    over the hope
    killing my heart,
    it's how i cope...




    Submitted on 2008-06-11 11:50:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      =] Nice. I like this. Four syllables per line, that I really liked. Capturing the feeling was kind of hard for me, and I'm still unsure if I am catching the vibe you had intended. Plus I like how you didn't break it up, it's altogether. You get a feel like you're suppose to be saying this quickly in some dark room somewhere. Nice work x3 Consider my story, I think you'll like it. It's called A girl's loss, a man's gain. =]] Good luck, with anything and everything. Unless it's murder or rape, cause that's a big no-no. =O
    | Posted on 2008-06-14 00:00:00 | by RulerxTaki | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a great write. It was so smooth and I personally like it without you breaking up the stanzas. I think it adds to the feeling and it all comes to the reader at once. I loved the line "third degree fool". It hit me the right way and made me feel even more for the writer and the poem itself.
    Awesome job! :D
    | Posted on 2008-06-13 00:00:00 | by DontxSurrender | [ Reply to This ]
      wow wow wow.

    truely. amazing.

    the whole poem was awsome. i loved your rhym scheme. i loved your flow and meter ( i did feel that it kind of got of in one place:
    "on broken dreams
    bleeding, my hope
    turns to black screams"
    the last line doesnt really flow. it might seem trivial but i think if you wrote "turns black with screams" it would flow better.)
    hmm.. try to break up the stanzas, it makes it easier to read.

    and i think thats about all..

    o yeah

    im making this a favorite.

    keepin it real
    ~annie
    | Posted on 2008-06-12 00:00:00 | by annie smith | [ Reply to This ]


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