Tired of wishing
on black hearted stars
hiding my heart
behind iron bars
cruising the dark
on broken dreams
bleeding, my hope
turns black with screams
betrayal's a blade
close to my heart
digging right in
tearing apart
cauterizing wounds
lovely burning hate
third degree fool
love i can't take
killing the nerves
numb at the core
something i can't
feel like before
scar tissue forms
over the hope
killing my heart,
it's how i cope...
=] Nice. I like this. Four syllables per line, that I really liked. Capturing the feeling was kind of hard for me, and I'm still unsure if I am catching the vibe you had intended. Plus I like how you didn't break it up, it's altogether. You get a feel like you're suppose to be saying this quickly in some dark room somewhere. Nice work x3 Consider my story, I think you'll like it. It's called A girl's loss, a man's gain. =]] Good luck, with anything and everything. Unless it's murder or rape, cause that's a big no-no. =O
This was a great write. It was so smooth and I personally like it without you breaking up the stanzas. I think it adds to the feeling and it all comes to the reader at once. I loved the line "third degree fool". It hit me the right way and made me feel even more for the writer and the poem itself.
Awesome job! :D
the whole poem was awsome. i loved your rhym scheme. i loved your flow and meter ( i did feel that it kind of got of in one place:
"on broken dreams
bleeding, my hope
turns to black screams"
the last line doesnt really flow. it might seem trivial but i think if you wrote "turns black with screams" it would flow better.)
hmm.. try to break up the stanzas, it makes it easier to read.
Submission Name: Betrayal (:
