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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: And Nursed the Shoreline Like a Wounddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lukewarm
    ASL Info:    1987M77004
    Elite Ratio:    6.54 - 535/513/121
    Words: 298
    Class/Type: Limerick/Childrens
    Total Views: 117
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2087



    Description:
       about my father.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAnd Nursed the Shoreline Like a Wounddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Tempers flare like sunspots:
    so angry, so quick,
    such a little thing to get upset about--
    an iceberg tip,
    a foundation problem:
    nothing but what's been going on unabated
    under the surface all these years.

    the foolish man built his house upon the sand.

    perceived wrongdoings.
    a little paranoid schizophrenetic,
    getting red in the face and walking off with the trunk open.
    The gavel bangs.
    Spend three days in a closet, drinking beer!
    Sir? Yes, sir.

    the foolish man built his house upon the sand.
    who built the foolish man?
    who built the sand?


    The condo is dark and sparse. Disappointment crimps
    the edges of lips
    lost in the lips of others, glossed and
    probably fourteen. We shuffle around,
    rearranging furniture, opening windows,
    looking forward to masturbation
    and a good cigarette when we get back,
    though it won't quite satisfy.

    The foolish man built his house upon the sand.
    He pushed away the wind and the waves with the might of his arms,
    and the house stood firm.


    All hail the quiet silence. All hail the king of awkward glances,
    the queen, the full, the two twin beds like dollhouse mattresses.
    We exchange money for time and fishing licenses,
    and the absurdity almost kills us,
    but, through sheer luck, misses
    and strikes a passerby instead.

    The foolish man's children went to play with the wise man's children
    and came back trying to get him to move his house onto firmer ground,
    and out of spite and pride he refused. But now the time was coming
    when the foolish man would no longer be able to hold back the wind and the waves,
    and his wife pleaded with them to stay.




    Submitted on 2008-06-11 22:23:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    ||| Comments |||
      this is great. being russian this strikes me as profoundly american, the great nation of (or the nation great for its?... i'm rambling) good-tempered ignorance, bidding other men, mountains and the whole world (with its unaccountable waves) move over for their conveniece. And it does!

    This piece emanates hot smell of the tarmac, of hooting cars, of sweat; all this caught up in one fresh breeze from the ocean ---like the promise of all happiness. yes,,, that's what your poem gives out.

    | Posted on 2008-06-17 00:00:00 | by expiring_touch | [ Reply to This ]
      and the rains came down and the floods came up the rains came down and the floods came up the rains came down and the floods came up and the house on the sand went CRASH!

    ha. i havent thought of that song in years...

    does this piece really need a different title? im quite attracted to the one it currently has.

    ive always wondered whether the foolish man knew he was foolish or whether wise and foolish can only be applied as labels by those outside the situation. i mean... im sure if you could hold back the waves that threaten to engulf you then you wouldnt see the point in moving.. i mean sure... its not an ideal situation to find yourself in and there is no opportunity to relax or let ones guard down but still... it prolly doesnt strike him as a foolish situation.

    and then the kids go out to play with other children. kids always bring home pieces of other houses when they return. i remember i always wanted giant cookies in my school lunches coz rosemarys mum let her have them. and i didnt see why i shouldnt be allowed to have them because they were yummy and giant and i tried to reason i wouldnt be hungry after school if only i had one...



    so i cannot help but see family vacation streaking through this piece... the car crazed tempers that arise due to much too long in a confined space with limited activities... turning up to find the place isnt the way you decided it would be during the mamoth drive to get there... the fact that you have to behave in certain ways around the folks... no smoking... and knowing you wont have any privacy at all hence no masturbation until we get home.


    my only question is who is the wife asking to stay... the children?

    i really like the way you have weaved an altered version of the wise man sand song throughout the piece... the italics are well used.

    i like it
    | Posted on 2008-06-12 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I think I have a lot to say, but most of it is inconsequential...



    One nitpick:
    ...Disappointment crimps
    the edges of lips
    lost in the eyes of other lip-glossed and
    probably fourteen.


    Something about that doesn't read right. It seems to beg for something after "other" or "fourteen." I think I know what you're saying, but I can't be sure. And it's hurting my brain too much to think so hard over a few silly words. (yeah. i said it.)

    (also: satisfy*)



    s1
    Temper--expelled at nothing but what was always there, continuing strong below the surface. Maybe like the wind and the waves, like the man holding them at bay.
    And also--the surface of what? Of skin? Of a polite facade? Of the ocean?



    Am I remembering this right from bible camp (har)? The allegory (erwhatsit) with the wise man, who built his house upon a rock, and this foolish man who built his house on sand...?
    Pretty sure.
    I like its presence in here. In conjunction with the Christian telling, or apart from it. You can hold the terrors and tremors of the world (sin, unrighteousness, etc.), but something will break. Something will give. Whether it's your arms or your wife or the ground beneath your feet.



    perceived wrongdoings.
    a little paranoid schizophrenetic,
    getting red in the face and walking off with the trunk open.
    The gavel bangs.
    Spend three days in a closet, drinking beer!
    Sir? Yes, sir.


    This is the most confusing to wrap my poor little mind around. It works well with the idea of being 'schizophrenetic' (... -phrenic? was this intentional? schizo + frenetic. crazy and frantic...)
    (the fakewordness makes me think of schizometric, in science of sleep. not in a bad way.)

    Red face--temper again. I'm wondering who is the temper-ful one, and who is the schizo one. Or if this is one person, who is not only a ticking bomb, but unpredictable, wild, frightful... Makes all things worse, sure.
    ... walking off with the trunk open. Hm. I'm utterly confused by this line. But pay me no heed; I'm often so.

    Closet--small space, storage, hidden... Makes me think of a boat, maybe. You're spending this money, wasting your time (you were missed by the absurdity, but witnessed the wreckage), battling the sea, denying fallibility.
    It reminds me of a song (cue music) ...i'm sick of the weather up here/it goes on and on, my dear/and the fish aren't coming still/they wait and wait until/we put our anchor down/we'll steal a few hours in town/my feet weren't made for the sea/they were made for running free/.../don't make much sense to me/to be stuck on a boat at sea...
    anyway.
    yep.



    who built the foolish man?
    who built the sand?


    The Big Question, eh? Little things make little things. But where did it all come from? who built the sand?...
    I don't think I can coherently express how much I like that question. That line.



    The condo is dark and sparse. Disappointment crimps
    the edges of lips
    lost in the eyes of other lip-glossed and
    probably fourteen. We shuffle around,
    rearranging furniture, opening windows,
    looking forward to masturbation
    and a good cigarette when we get back,
    though it won't quite sa[t]isfy.


    Another closet-like space.
    The idea of being lost in eyes that are lip-glossed and probably fourteen makes me think of some crazy old man, skanking on his niece. Or just some guy, some girl. "Probably fourteen"--either literally, or not. Age v. maturity/childishness...
    And whilst you're lost in this box (drinking beer or not), holding the wolves and winds at bay, all you can do is jack off and smoke, and sigh because it's not what you need.
    "when we get back"--where are you now? Is this condo just a holding bay for something bigger, more real, more satisfying? A house? Upon sand, upon a rock? And a yard, and a white-picket fence, and kids and a dog? A wife?
    Shuffling around, opening stuff, closing stuff, rearranging stuff... reminds me of clearing out someone dead's house.

    Just biding time. Filling responsibilities.



    All hail the quiet silence. All hail the king of awkward glances,
    the queen, the full, the two twin beds like dollhouse mattresses.
    We exchange money for time and fishing licenses,


    (i like the bit about the beds. back to masturbation in the other stanza... also, comforts, home, sleep... the three bears and goldilocks (haha))

    and the absurdity almost kills us

    Absurdity, that we spend money on time? Absurdity, that we pay to fish? And all the in-betweens... All of it.
    All of it is absurd. Wasting time, quiet silences, awkward glances, holding the wind at bay.
    Hits a passerby. Unfortunate, but at least it wasn't you, eh? Almost--someone else is paying for your shortcomings, your errors. When the wind is released, it doesn't hit you, it hits your neighbor, the wise man, perhaps?
    Someone completely innocent, but who probably deserved it on a cosmic level.



    The foolish man's children went to play with the wise man's children
    and came back trying to get him to move his house onto firmer ground,
    and out of spite and pride he refused. But now the time was approaching
    when the foolish man would no longer be able to hold back the wind and the waves,
    and his wife pleaded with them to stay.


    Children--legacy, pride and joy... (aw). Maybe as a metaphor for things to follow. We see the harm done in the past, to the earth, to human beings, but shouting into the ears of our fathers won't fix it. Spitefully and proud... Yeah.

    The wise man's children--maybe, the foolish man's kids got schooled, yo. Maybe they went to uni and learned all sorts of subversive things. Began to think for themselves.

    (Unrelated: And on one hand, the foolish man may be foolish, but he has been clever enough and strong enough to keep the temper of a stormcloud at bay for all these years--enough years to raise a family that knows better than he does.)



    and his wife pleaded with them to stay.

    Who? The wind? The children? Empty-nester, eh? Pleading for them to stay, to abandon their own ideas, to just be there. Hm...



    (told you so)
    (saddest part: i could probably say more. if i tried)



    Oh!
    Title.

    And nursed the shoreline like a wound.

    Hm.
    Makes me think it continues off of the last line.
    and his wife pleaded with them to stay.
    ...and nursed the shoreline like a wound
    .

    Like, after all these years of her husband holding up the western front, she's had to bandage him, and baby along the fledgling shrubbery and ... yeah.

    I like the title. You seem dissatisfied though. I can't really see why...



    Yep!
    | Posted on 2008-06-12 00:00:00 | by sadtrapofgravit | [ Reply to This ]


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