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    dots Submission Name: OFF Centered from the "Right"dots

    Author: siroez
    ASL Info:    27/Male/WV
    Elite Ratio:    5.23 - 101/87/44
    Words: 270
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1142
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1472

       This one gos with my poem entitled "Titled Towards A Forward Chair" which is no longer featured here. Instead of describing a visual cell in this one, the "cell" where the story character is kept is more like a place where time slowly passes.

    painful place.

    all the character wants to do is spread his wings and fly home. :(

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOFF Centered from the "Right"dots

    A prison cell can no longer describe where I have been forced to retreat, because here is where the time slowly drizzles down the wall.

    My arms display the blood in which I've shed, and if I could escape I would, but the prison walls are etched with name. What once was so peaceful so beautiful is now my shame. Another hash mark in the window sill, and I still can not reach behind the bars. Time slowly falls down the walls not by seconds, but hours allowing its painful residue to touch my arms.

    layered like bars, rain drops patter on the ground outside. I cant help but stare at the sky, sometimes just to watch the clouds pass by.

    It feels as if I've been abandon here for an eternity. Time never passes just falls. I can not let go. I can not see. blind, because no one will hear me. Muffled screams choke my fading last word. I think I'm dumb, and I could never spread my wings to fly.

    To fly how untrue it seems.

    And off in the distance, I see the sun so bright and warm. Its joy trickling on my skin. A tactile expression longing to set me free. Home to far away to be heard softly. The distance between barred by selfless means, molding me.

    But in the back of my mind hangs a residuum from what has been left behind. Including me, and so it sings off centered and slightly to the right. Northwest, mocking me and lieing to me, of what could become.

    Submitted on 2008-06-12 12:23:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      "The blood which I've shed". Shed means to drop it or discard it.

    "The blood in which I've soaked" or something like that would be better, if you are trying to say "in blood".

    "Raindrops patter" or "Rain-drops patter". "Rain drops" can mean "rain is dropping", but you don't mean that here. Also, for the speech rhythm, "Raindrops" runs faster and so maybe it is a better way to write this word just there.

    "Can't" not "cant". That is because "can't" is short for "cannot", and "cannot" means "can not" ..... but "cant" means preaching or a badly presented argument.

    It's all because English is just a mixture of Gaelic, Roman Latin, Greek, Anglic, Saxon, Danish, Norman-French, Medieval Latin, French, German, and some words from every other language! Every word has its own long story. But the spelling is totally disorganized, it is chaos! (I love it!)

    "I've been abandoned". abandonED makes it Past, and HAVE BEEN abandonED makes it Past Perfect. That is - you have the choice of two different tenses there, I think. But you can't have been abandon!

    Lying not lieing. When you lie, you are lying. I don't know why! (There is also another word "lye" which means caustic soda.) Maybe it is easier to spell if you are speaking the truth??
    | Posted on 2009-06-04 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      im glad someone sees it. lol
    | Posted on 2008-06-13 00:00:00 | by siroez | [ Reply to This ]
      "in which" line 4... is that right? is that what you meant to say? it's unconventional, which i can understand, but... it's a little awkward.

    but the prison walls are etched with name
    stronger than pure stone or metal. binding on a cosmic level.

    ...blind because no one will hear me.
    nice blending of senses.


    last paragraph, entirely... actually.
    double sweet.

    feeling brainless and all gung-ho 'bout mys compliments. so... yeah.

    lota smoke up yer bum, but oh well.

    fly free, little character! fly free!!

    | Posted on 2008-06-13 00:00:00 | by diamondmind | [ Reply to This ]

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