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    dots Submission Name: sleepwalker's worlddots

    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 58
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 617
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 386


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    dotssleepwalker's worlddots

    sleepwalker's world

    traffic in this town moves
    like molecular seepage

    as if fish swam
    the streets on coils of air

    corpuscles beneath the skin
    of an eternal highway pulse

    like the pungent scent
    of a healing balm

    what I wouldn?t give
    to swim her streets again

    Submitted on 2008-06-12 21:20:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      What I don't like: "pungent scent?" I can deal with this, especially in this poem because it flows well and fits within the structure of the poem. I prefer to "show don't tell." Instead of telling us about a pungent smell, show us.

    What I do like: I think I do get the title this time. Your illustrating to us what an altered (for whatever reason) state can do to a person's perceptions. "Molecular seepage" is inventive. Good. "Corpuscles" is a good, specific, almost seducing word that gives us a hard, fast image. The last 2 lines are solid as well and bring the poem home and give us insight into the speaker's drifting emotions.

    | Posted on 2008-06-21 00:00:00 | by tjsmith5 | [ Reply to This ]
      Geez bud, here's to astral travel
    or redeeming one's wishes
    however it occurs is no matter.

    I love the metaphor- she's like blood running in the veins.
    or is that the other way around?

    in the distance we share things
    that do not exist for others

    "what I wouldn't give to swim her streets again"

    is a wow with sprinkles on it, nice work, Billiam
    it's good to see you're alive an well

    peace mon,

    | Posted on 2008-06-14 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      A journal entry reborn as a submission on your part, perhaps?
    Or a serious case of deja vu on my part?
    At any rate, a very intriguing piece.

    I didnt get the idea of a hooker on the streets,
    but streets so intimately familiar that they run in the blood.
    And quicken the pulse.

    Good stuff.
    Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2008-06-13 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]
    Feisty, eh?

    traffic in this town moves
    like molecular seepage

    as if fish swam
    the streets on coils of air

    corpuscles beneath the skin
    of an eternal highway pulse

    like the pungent scent
    of a healing balm

    what I wouldn’t give
    to swim her streets again

    Molecular seepage. Coils of air. Corpuscles. Eternal highway pulse.

    And your last two couplet-sets...

    Jeeze, mister.

    You're a hero. You are.

    Fecking rockstar.

    | Posted on 2008-06-13 00:00:00 | by diamondmind | [ Reply to This ]
      This write speaks to me of a lady of the night that only seems to be seen at night entertaining her clients
    Though short I believe you spoke perfectly in this and your message was transposed perfectly
    The last line sums this write up perfectly
    An excellent choice of words!!!
    I would also like to add it was Great seeing you posting again
    Its been awhile since Ive read anything new from you
    God Bless

    Please keep in touch!!
    | Posted on 2008-06-12 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]

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