His bags are packed, it's time to part
She's half-asleep, floating between
dreams, He leans over- lips gently
brushing her forehead for a kiss
"I love you" she hears as He
grabs his gear, heading for the
door, leaving it locked yet,
slightly ajar.
This familiar situation, so sentimental, gets some mysterious drama because you don't tell us a story about the two peoples'relationship.
After thinking up several stories, I realized that what the poem is about - where it leads me - is how love is always the same situation: a loving acquaintanceship flows under the same bridges or over the same waterfalls, no matter
whether it is marriage, parent/child, friendship, dalliance, or whatever.
Here, you evoked all that for me, just by outlining one of the "bridges"'.
You help bring the poem to its point by shortening the lines from first to last. But I don't think you did it very effectively, athough it's a wonderful technique. A study of this poem, counting syllables then words then accents in each line, then studying all the numbers, would give you complete control over this effect, for the poem is a clear example of it, and is your own!
The first, second and third lines also could be reorganized a bit. Whatever that lineation was meant to do, isn't working I feel. But the poem as a whole delighted me!
Submission Name: gone
