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    dots Submission Name: Dirty portraitdots

    Author: Paradox
    ASL Info:    33/m/Earthbound
    Elite Ratio:    4.58 - 1055/434/90
    Words: 217
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 946
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1330

       This is a bit different from the other stuff I write. Sometime I get really frustrated with the tools I have. There are some things that no one can describe in a poem. They are too simple yet too important to let them pass. That's why I'm trying to paint right now. To capture reality directly...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDirty portraitdots

    I once saw this woman in my staircase
    I mean, no, I don't live there anymore
    I once saw this woman, who was older than me
    I mean, no.

    I once saw this woman and all her demons
    I can only remember the texture of her skin
    How brittle and gray it was, like all her years
    And her hair was dirty black

    She was not beautiful
    And she was surprised
    That I looked at her
    Especially like that

    She wasn't that much older than me
    And I wasn't even attracted to her
    But my heart stood still that morning
    For no reason at all

    My words, my own words, are not good enough
    Not simple enough, not rough enough
    To describe the first step, on the first stair
    While I was passing besides her hair

    It was like all her life was falling down on me

    And I couldn't do anything at all
    I've painted that woman and all her demons
    The painting is right here on the wall
    Still, I feel it's not enough

    I could go back there and see her again
    Maybe talk to her, make her smile
    That should always be the first step
    But still, I could never save that woman
    Or myself...

    Submitted on 2008-06-17 08:42:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i like this piece....sometimes we have so little confidence in ourselves...we feel plain, like we don't stand out at all and no one will notice us...

    the picture of self-consciousness

    that is so sad...and the conflict the speaker feels is moving...wants to help this person feel better about herself...or ....really likes her...maybe he is not sure...doesn't want to give her pity love...yet even if he tells her he likes her...will she believe him?

    well said, Adrian

    | Posted on 2011-07-25 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you do a very good job conveying your message, this has powerful connection.

    It is very creative, very pleasant to come across. One of my favorite things I have read on here.
    | Posted on 2011-07-21 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this. It has an inner haunting feel to it. It's as if you passed yourself on the stairs, or at least a shadow of yourself in someone else.

    The indecisiveness of what you saw and felt adds to the mystery. "I mean, no," - it's as if it was there but it isn't anymore and you want to go back, capture it, pull out all its haunts/demons, brush them off... and move on.

    "It was like all her life was falling down on me" - < I'm glad you put this line out to itself. It speaks volumes.

    Only one thing... 5S, L4 - maybe remove the s from besides... and perhaps change it to "While I was passing beside her there.

    An enjoyable read. Glad I came across it.

    Good work!!

    | Posted on 2008-11-30 00:00:00 | by TamarRoze | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh, this is lovely and arcane and mysterious, and open to many possible meanings....but yes, it can be frustrating not to be able to express the unexpressible! However, at a certain point language fails us, no matter who we are and we can only hint at what is, what should be...even how we feel.... very fine.... bravo... bravo...
    | Posted on 2008-06-17 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]

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