Soft Spoken by Passionbyapathy

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Submission Name: Soft Spoken dots

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Author:	Passionbyapathy
ASL Info:	17/M/Groveport OH
Elite Ratio:	7.14 - 167/139/81
Words:	358

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	377
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	2504

Description:
she floated me up like an airplane,
im using my left brain, writing with the wrong one
im falling now
falling
ive forgot my destination already
just living in the moment,
forgetting yesterday and tomorrow
and maybe, maybe ill be happy
floating off like an airplane....

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Glistening eyes of crystal glass
Shed tears of silver trailing ash
Down those blushing cheeks, rosy lips,
Smoke filled lungs,
And a simple smile:
Warm crimson.
Behind those wintry vistas
And that cold, hard, empty stare
Is a soul screaming out loud
To be saved, To be loved, To be heard!
Over the sounds of the world
And the painful lessons it weaves
Into every twisted nook and cranny
That body, those curves
That personality of hers,
It’s all got me falling over my heels

That simple way where I can close my eyes
And dream of us as puzzle pieces to the same puzzle
Or as a lock and key
Where we each do respectfully
Give way unto each other.
Smoking too much, and smiling
Holding hands, and thinkin’ we’ll last,
What blissful ignorance, I do confess
Forgetting Apollo, and his wicked role
Living in the moment,
One at a time.
The clocks all frozen on the walls.
Turning each other on and off,
You’re running through my mind,
And I just can't catch up.

God aren’t dreamers the quietest sleepers?
So rest your head upon me.
And let’s birth a new constellation,
To a happier reality.

You’re like a tidal wave
Bringing me the sea and surf
By moonlight,
My Luna
My sleeping moon
Eclipsed by me
But once again,
The sun must rise,
And with it sets the moon.
Whom hides the tides beneath the waves,
Only to be released from its fettered bonds
When again the dark besets the beaches,
And the smoke starts billowing from our mouths.

I remember coming down,
How high she had me up.
From that height, I remember thinking…
“Baby I can see your house from here,
It doesn't seem so far by moonlight.
You’ve floated me up so damn high,
I’ll be falling for awhile;
There’s plenty of time to catch me.”

So baby, lets birth a new constellation
To a happier reality…
One with a forecast for silk bed sheets
Speaking loudly of our love,
And smiles on our lips,
Your lips,
Those rosy lips and constellations.

Submitted on 2008-06-18 01:07:50 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Your imagery is really engaging! It flows well, and more importantly it gives a piece of you to the reader. I just want to reach out and touch you! lol. (not literally).

I think that this piece of writing says a lot. KEEP IT UP!
| Posted on 2008-09-12 00:00:00 | by cfrech | [ Reply to This ]
  Aw, this is brilliant. Seriously. I usually try to find at least one thing wrong with poems but I don't think I would be able to after reading this. I see a couple of people have left long comments with suggestions on how to make this better. Unless you have already edited it, I would advise you to ignore everyone and leave this the way it is! Really deep. It seems that you've written this from your heart. Excellent imagery, descriptions and word choice. My favourite thing about this was how as I read it, it kept developing , and the style of expression kept changing. It started off on a very impersonal and general look but from the middle right till the end, it just came out really well. I was pretty impressed how you avoided this piece from sounding cliché. Well done with that. This goes in my favourites list. Thanks for sharing and sorry I can't help improve this.

Abbas
| Posted on 2008-08-30 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
  I love it very much, my friend, but I've decided not to butcher it like the comments before me.

If you like the style, then stick with it.

Poetry is personal.

I love your imagery and use of words.

But like I said before, it doesn't have much of a flow, and I suggest against using the same words over again, especially in the same stanza, for this can distract the reader.

I hope that you keep on writing!!!!

<3
Rose

| Posted on 2008-07-22 00:00:00 | by Queen_of_spades | [ Reply to This ]
  It's definatly one of the best love poems I 've seen in a long time.

I really liked the description of her in the begining the simplicity of it contrasted with the complexity of the later statements of giving her moonlike features.

Overall I love it.

~Carrie

| Posted on 2008-07-06 00:00:00 | by dismal_s child | [ Reply to This ]
  This is really beautiful. It just makes me see how much the speaker of the popem loves the girl, and I can see how happy they are with eachother. I can picture the girl and what her personality is, for some reason to me she seems a little fiesty and rebellious but down to earth and free and funny.
All I can say is how much I really enjoyed this. You have a good rhyme scheme going on here, very free flowing and easy to read.

*tox*
| Posted on 2008-06-24 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]
  Everyone else's comments are so long... but as I told you before, I really don't know what to say about this. I enjoy the imagery. Perhaps I did not tell you but my brain is actually a television. Stick some words into it and they come out in technicolor! Um, anyways...

I like this part best:

That simple way where I can close my eyes
And dream of us as puzzle pieces to the same puzzle
Or as a lock and key
Where we each do respectfully
Give way unto each other.

The last two lines of that are just perfect.

This is a crappy comment. But it's crappy *just for you* so take it or leave it. I'll leave you a good one in a minute.

-Katie
| Posted on 2008-06-22 00:00:00 | by Jester_Gesture | [ Reply to This ]
  Smoke filled lungs

I thought this was a great way to describe her, this is new and original and it completely brings the poem into modern day. It reads beautifully, light, flows well, nice imagery for some subconscious eye candy, and now this girl that we envision, has a real personality.

"Turning each other on and off,
You’re running through my mind,
And I just can't catch up."

I think this is an accurate display of the freshness of the connection between two people who have THAT chemistry. You do a good job with adjectives, you use words that are pretty, that are positive, that are attractive, the imagery you use, once again, is a good display of what you are trying to get across, and you do all this without being cliché. You do it without sounding, for lack of a better word, emo. I think that is a great great way for you to be unique, you bring originality into a poem with a concept people can relate to on a wide scale.

"God aren’t dreamers the quietest sleepers?
So rest your ahead upon me.
And let’s birth a new constellation,
To a happier reality."

This is beautiful. I wish people would write like this to me, have desires like this for me. I don't know what else to say about it, it is perfect. I can identify with this on a personal level, using the universe as a metaphor for your companionship, and in such a way.

"sea and surf"

I love alliteration and symmetry, the symmetry perhaps alluding to your metaphor for using all the universe to describe your love.
Good stuff, no great stuff, no brilliant!

"I remember coming down,
How high she had me up.
From that height, I remember thinking…
“Baby I can see your house from here,
It doesn't seem so far by moonlight.
You’ve floated me up so damn high,
I’ll be falling for awhile;
There’s plenty of time to catch me.”

And again here the drugs come in, at least, this is my interpretation. And this is clever. There are subtle themes here that give this substance rather than just a pretty bunch of words.

And the last stanza wraps it up like good sleep, like lovely sleeping dreamers.
| Posted on 2008-06-22 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
  Glistening eyes of crystal glass

Shed tears of silver

Down those blushing cheeks,

Rosy lips,

Warm crimson.

Behind those winterly vistas

And that empty stare

Is a soul screaming out loud

To be saved,

To be loved,

To be heard!

To be cradled from the sounds

Of the world

And those painful lessons.

That body, those curves

That personality of hers,

It’s got me falling over my heels

All right, let's start with the fact that you don't have to double-skip. It's utterly impossible to read it fluidly if you're posting it this way. Doesn't look any neater. I think it makes the reading more complicated.
This should be taken out, entirely. Gone. This is all just a personal, obvious, quite-too-simple reflection or summary of who you are speaking about. And, honestly, your descriptions make her sound almost too pale, too quiet, with low self-esteem. It sounds more like pity than it sounds like care and attention. And, yes, crimson is emo. Is blood, which, in a poem, will unintentionally deflect into cutting, even if it's not the attention. It's hard to get by that stereotype. I have to say that this isn't you, so far, even if it's coming out of you.

That simple way where I can close my eyes

And dream of us as puzzle pieces to the same puzzle

Smoking too much, and smiling to each other

Holding hands, thinkin’ we’ll last

Living in the moment, one at a time

Watching clock hands spin past

Turning each other on,

Your running through my mind,

And its making me crazy…

Sentence fragments. I like the touché images you got here, but it's not forceful enough. You're too indecisive with what you're trying to say. Too much at once, or not enough. You got everything lined up... and all it does it leave you feeling crazy? There's not much that can tie this up. You know what this all sounds like? Sounds like you're talking. But it doesn't sound natural. You sound inebriated.

God aren’t dreamers the quietest sleepers?

So rest your ahead upon me.

And lets birth a new constellation,

To a happier reality.

Huh. All right, nice path here. Now where did you go? Apart from punctuation, I think you should close up your thoughts JUST enough for you to understand yourself. James, fleeting thoughts don't make a poem. They're great to have and work with, but they do not become poems all on their own. They're crafted, shaped. You seem to have just laid it all out. I don't think this is the most poetical way of doing this. It's raw. And you can eat raw meat, but it doesn't taste as good as spiced, BBQ'd meat.

No comment on the next stanza. I have the same feeling about it as the previous ones. I think you can make a lot of different poems out of this, if you stretch them out, take them out of this poem.

Except for this stanza, which, I think would be the poem itself:

I remember coming down…

How high she had me up...

From that height, I remember thinking…

“Baby I can see your house from here,

Its not that far.

I’ll be falling for awhile,

You’ve floated me up so damn high,

That’s plenty of time to catch me.”

So baby, lets birth a new constellation

To a happier reality…

One with a forecast for silk bedsheets,

Speaking with our love.

And smiles on our lips

Your lips,

Those rosy lips of crimson.

Yes, I did leave out the two first lines. Yes, they were useless. Yes, the rest if fine. No, it's not all fine. It's a good process and you got something brewing. I personally like how you can write this and relate it to the title of the poem. I like how you are very direct and abrupt here, in comparison to the title of the poem. Here's one bitter piece:

I remember coming down…

How high she had me up...

From that height, I remember thinking…

Damn the ellipses to hell:

I remember coming down and
how high up she had me.
From up high I remember thinking,
"Baby, I can see your house from here,
It's not so far away."
You’ve let me float so high,
So I'll be falling for awhile.
It'll give you time to catch me.
I'm here among the constellation,
The new one born between our silk bedsheets.
I forcast the birth of another constellation--
Between your lips,
Smiling at me.

You know... no, looking at this again, it's just too separated. I really can't do much without taking everything out. I don't know how you decided to write this, but you got to work it out. It's spontaneous. That's not poetry, as free as poetry can be to experiments like these. You didn't prove your hypothesis.
The above is all I could have come up with. I hope this helps. Sorry, James.
| Posted on 2008-06-20 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]
  Well nikki and her BIG mouth lol doesnt leave a person much to say huh. So me can only say a little.

I loved it. It has that certain thing that always just grabs my heart. were i just kinda ignore everything else to read it. well done james

-hugs-
| Posted on 2008-06-20 00:00:00 | by twistedchick | [ Reply to This ]
  well...the comment from nikita does not leave much room for differing opinions, though, having put as much effort into reading her words, as yours, i feel as if i should still offer my thoughts...

i too, by the way, dislike the numerous misspellings, but, hey, they can be dealt with...

your poem opens perfectly, as an intricate story-like effort, cascading along with perfect examples and definitions which are able to reach most readers...then, while i dont believe it is such a crime as others surely do, you offer the cliché type line and stanza, affording a creative, yet all too predictable twist in your writing...

i enjoyed the metaphors and imagination which you applied to a reality, a true and sincere memory, i believe it to be. well done...just a bit more of a grammatical effort should take this piece of writing where you intended it to in your reader's eyes...
| Posted on 2008-06-18 00:00:00 | by wonderbread1000 | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow James... Wow.

It sort of amazes me how you didn't ask me to read your poetry before (save for the ES Chatango poem, which was also very well-written. But seeing as this peers more into your emotions, I feel special reading it. ^-^)

I really like the sort of... flow here. Where it goes from uplifting, and you feel happy just reading it, and then it lowers to a level of empathy. Then just at the end, you come up again, and you feel as if you have experienced something extraordinary.

Truly inspiring.

~Me. ٭♫٭
| Posted on 2008-06-18 00:00:00 | by DustedRelection | [ Reply to This ]
  hey honey okay ill do my best to try and help you ^_^

"Glistening eyes of crystal glass
Shed tears of silver
Down those blushing cheeks,
[Rosy] lips,
Warm crimson.
Behind those [winterly] vistas
And that empty stare
Is a soul screaming out loud"

the brackets are for your misspellings btw
The ONLY thing i can find that i don't care for IS
and this bugs me a lot cause ppl always use this word and its so over used it should be erased from man kinds vocabulary!
CRIMSON!
now you can do a lot with that color, well related colors that is, vermilion, red, rust colored red, brick red, rose red, blah blah blah there is like a list but i forgot most of it >> the point being is that when you use words you might want to expand on it and like use words that are more expressive
black- shadows, darkness
anyway moving on before i go into a rant about how much i love yas!

"To be saved,
To be loved,
To be heard!
To be cradled from the sounds
Of the world
And those painful lessons.
That body, those curves
That personality of hers,
It’s got me falling over my heels"

the last line i dont really care for o.o i mean it's a cliché to use Head over heels but i think that in this line it will work. why does every single line have a space? i mean is there a specific reason as to why?
i love how you carry this off though, the rhyming doesnt sound forced and just how you word it is really awesome ^_^.

"That simple way where I can close my eyes
And dream of us as puzzle pieces to the same puzzle
Smoking too much, and smiling to each other
Holding hands, thinkin’ we’ll last
Living in the moment, one at a time
Watching clock hands spin past
Turning each other on,
Your running through my mind…[,]
And its making me crazy…"

in my bracket i put a comma cause i believe honestly a comma would go better than your leading dots.
this seems to stray you have poetic words, you know what i mean like dew drop kissing kind of poetic like mystical sort of thing then you go into the reality aspect of this poem which i love because you add a sort of a certain down to earth quality to this poem.

"God aren’t dreamers[,] the quietest sleepers?
So rest your ahead upon me.
And lets birth a new constellation,
To a happier reality."

now so far this is my favorite stanza, just because you went beyond expectations in the imagery department! damn i dont believe i have anything to critique here o.o wow....

"Your like a tidal wave
Bringing me the sea[.]
By moonlight,
My Luna
My sleeping moon[,]
Eclipsed by me[.]
Oh baby, cant you see?
Those reds in my eyes?
Drinking myself to sleep?
Those friends that I keep?"

bah just a few punctuation thingies left out so nothing to really point out, just that your words weren't as expressive as they were in your last stanza though they still are just not at the same level...if that makes any sense o.o
but like i said nothing to really point out so off to the finishing part thing. ^_^

"Damn, I should be so lucky.
To have ever found this feeling at all.
I remember coming down[,]
How much she made me high[,]
From that height, I remember thinking[,]
“Baby I can see your house from here,
Its not that far.
I’ll be falling for awhile,
You’ve floated me up so damn high,
That’s plenty of time to catch me.”
So baby, lets birth a new constellation
To a happier reality…
One with a forecast for silk bedsheets,
Speaking with our love.
And smiles on our lips
Your lips,
Those [rosy] lips of crimson."

you have High near each other kinda makes it sound a bit clashing you might want to place another word there or something,

"You’ve floated me up so damn far,"

something along those lines will work i guess ^_^

BAH DIE CRIMSON DIE YOU STUPID RED OBJECT!!!!!!!

okies had to get that out of my system ^_^

other than the crimson and that line really nothing to fix here, though it ended okay, not great or anything but hey its awesome ^_^

okies that is about it for me tomorrow i go to Deadlydodo's page so that will keep me busy for awhile. anyway thanks for showing me this ^_^

Nikki
(love the poem btw o_o)

| Posted on 2008-06-18 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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5. Which parts?
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8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

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