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    dots Submission Name: Happy You Aredots

    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.8 - 23/161/138
    Words: 126
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 576
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 797


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHappy You Aredots

    I'm hypnotized by your eyes
    I have no words to describe
    The beauty that I see
    You're everything to me

    I'm glad to see your smile
    You know that I adore
    That sparkle in your eyes
    I've seen many times before

    And there's a bounce in your step
    Each one, I'm further from you
    But you enjoy your life now
    The way I wanted you to

    And you seem so much in love
    Although not with me
    I can feel it with your words
    It's not that hard to see

    My prayers for you were answered
    You're happy now, like I wanted you to be
    I'm happy that your happy with him
    But I'd be happier if you were happy with me

    Submitted on 2008-06-18 01:36:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      i'd be happier with me....

    a year ago i wouldn't have understood the concept of someone being happy with someone other than me.

    but now i know.

    it's crazy how you can love someone so much that you just want to see them happy no matter what....
    even if it means that you are going to be simultaneously happy and sad.

    i like that this poem was simple. it made it seem more real. the only thing that i would comment on is the rhyming at the beginning...it feels a little forced...there are so many other words that rhyme with eyes describe see and me....if you played around with it, i'm sure you would find something...but i am not trying to change your poem at all, i just don't like saying only nice things to people.

    And there's a bounce in your step
    Each one, I'm further from you
    But you enjoy your life now
    The way I wanted you to

    it's funny you wrote those words (loved that stanza by the way) because it sounds like something my ex said to me a long time ago.

    this makes me sad because...lol one of the last things he said to me before everything went bad was that he was doing all the work trying to get me out of my emotional problems, and that the next guy that happened to come around was going to win my heart easily because he (my ex) had already helped me break down all my walls.

    anyway, i thought this was a good piece. the last stanza was excellent.
    | Posted on 2008-06-30 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ]
      The poem is relaxed and some what on the average side, but it hits a soft spot in the reader. Makes the reader nod his/her head and be like, "yeah man, I've been there before."

    I especially liked the the second to last stanza:

    "And you seem so much in love
    Although not with me
    I can feel it with your words
    It's not that hard to see"

    If only because it shifts the direction of the piece so well. A smooth transition, well done.

    You should consider the use of punctuation, it will help with pauses and stops in your work. Just add a dash of a comma or a period from time to time.And if anythin gets exciting, throw in an exclamation point!

    I've written so much because your poem reminded me of a conversation I had with my older sis. She was Six Flags and an into her ex, well her ex fiance. He was with his pregnant girlfriend and she said that instead of the woman expecting glowing, it was him. That he just seemed so happy and she was just happy that he was happy and so on.

    Have a good day kiddo.

    Laters, Ash.
    | Posted on 2008-06-19 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]

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