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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Patientdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Seagirl
    ASL Info:    49/yes please/on a beach
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 44/21/35
    Words: 533
    Class/Type: Prose/Trapped
    Total Views: 608
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3383



    Description:
       May 2005


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Patientdots
    -------------------------------------------


    "I am a patient" I whisper in my head
    and I should be treated like one
    please take care of me
    as I lie in this bed
    with my insides burning
    scared to death of this disease
    my bones ache
    I tremble and sweat
    and cry as I stare out the window at the parking garage
    where my car is parked, waiting for me to escape this nightmare
    I wish I could say I'm here because I'm brave
    but the truth is I'm trapped here by my body's rebellion

    There should be a nurse in a crisp white uniform
    who walks in confidently, checking my equipment
    soothing my fears and pain
    and making sure I'm safely surviving
    and give me my medicine
    but no, not for me
    I must roll over aching
    make myself sit up
    and groan as I force myself to stand

    "But I am a patient" I say in my head
    and I should be treated like one
    intead of being treated like a degenerate
    instead of being forced to stumble weakly down the hallway
    supported by the wall
    until I get to Them
    They who have the medicine I need
    They goad me to hurry
    like I'm some kind of manipulator
    pretending, lying, false
    their sarcastic comments
    punch me where I'm broken
    as they hand me my medication
    in a tiny plastic cup
    and They watch me suspiciously
    as I force it with water
    down into my unsettled stomach
    and They must check my mouth
    making sure I swallowed everything
    because I can't be trusted

    No rest for the weary
    I walk with fear into That Room
    the one set up in a circle
    where we are appalled that we must confess our sins
    to total strangers
    painfully, under the watchfulness of Accusing Eyes
    She who keeps forcing our souls into the bottomless pit
    She who smashes our faces into the dirt on the floor

    "But I am a patient" I shout in my head
    and I should be treated like one
    instead of being treated like a degenerate
    When we are done
    She walks out with her head held high
    secure in the knowledge that we will walk out
    with our eyes downcast
    out through the back doors
    and into the dirty alley
    to open the hospital cafeteria doors by the dumpsters
    and parade past everyone sitting at their tables
    they all know who we are
    all the time we are eating
    we are dreading the fact
    that we must go right back into That Room
    and suffer the humiliation again

    "But I am a patient" I scream in my head
    and I should be treated like one
    instead of being treated like a degenerate
    but you won't find that here
    I'm sick and miserable
    and need to be taken care of
    with gentleness and respect
    but this is a stop on the way to Hell
    because They believe that's where I belong
    They don't believe in this disease
    They hate what I am
    and laugh at me behind my back
    because it's all my fault that I'm here
    and to Them, I'm a joke
    but in reality
    I am a patient




    Submitted on 2008-06-18 19:54:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      im not really sure how exactly to improve the piece but i feel like the current form it takes isnt as striking as it could be.
    perhaps the 'im a patient' repetition seems a little too much by the end... especially with the 'in my head'
    perhaps you could find a way of showing the reader it isnt being said out loud without saying 'in my head'
    or perhaps you say in my head the first time and then maybe assume that lays a foundation for it to be the same throughout the rest of the piece? im not sure.

    i think there is an overload of I though if i look back to things i wrote when i was in hospital it really all was me me me and all about the injustices in my life etc. so i guess it kinda works but i would encourage you to shave it down a little perhaps.


    im wondering whether you could find a way of adding into the piece your original intention of the piece...? im wondering whether its important to you that the reader knows what the struggle is and the patient is in for...?


    does that help any?
    | Posted on 2008-06-20 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      this is interesting.
    while i dont think it has been written as effectively as it could be i can connect with this. mostly because i have been in such a situation...

    i was hospitalised in 2002 for depression. but as soon as i was assigned a room and a bed i crashed. i didnt leave my room for days... i couldnt. and when i did i had to have a soft toy and a pair of dark glasses on.

    after i was out of hospital i had to go to a day program and there was a That Room. i didnt mind the room so much though i never said a word for 6 months and always made a reason why i couldnt attend group on wednesday afternoons because they were the thing that scared me most... psychodrama... the idea still freaks me out even though i am well and healthy and balanced and well moved on with life lol.

    i think you have captured something valuable in this piece though... the whole "i am a patient" idea... because i find that psych wards have a tendency to make the patient worse off than they were when they first arrived because they create a "i am a patient" mentality and it is made a reality...
    i cant really explain myself very well but yeah...

    interesting piece for sure
    | Posted on 2008-06-19 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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