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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: elsa and johanndots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: discombobulated
    ASL Info:    26/m/nz
    Elite Ratio:    5.22 - 81/63/24
    Words: 260
    Class/Type: Spoof/Comedy
    Total Views: 1149
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1633



    Description:
       being stuck in rush-hour traffic makes one wander off on tangents slightly...
    and i thought...
    "elsa... and johann... wouldn't those two names be perfect?"


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotselsa and johanndots
    -------------------------------------------



    elsa usually wears petticoats. today
    she decided to don bubble-wrap
    around her curves, a yellow rose
    in her hair, and a smile
    which proclaimed devastation
    at nirvana's doorstep: samsara
    crushed under lotus leaves,
    if you will. a purloined kerchief
    thrown to the wind
    to land on

    johann, a bald fat man. a bespectacled
    office chump champion. a true champion,
    y'hear? he wears braces still, pushed-up
    socks and shorts too short
    even for him. he mutters about
    politics, the cost of cheese
    and that girl he always sees
    walking past his window named

    elsa is tired from pumping her
    legs up queen street. her bubbles
    are popping, screeching
    at old ladies destined
    for the haberdashery store:
    stop! they say, outta
    my way! move!
    or be mown
    by my caterwauling
    senile grimace!
    and off they go
    to pick up some sherry
    to have with other
    toothless old fairies,
    like

    johann, you wouldn't call him
    a sterile bandage, a balanced
    meal of meat and veg. you
    wouldn't say he likes
    his turnips
    or the taste of freshly
    baked bread. but
    you'd tell him
    he needs to
    trim his moustache
    to look his best
    for any young ladies

    elsa and johann
    johann and elsa

    they'll never meet
    they'll never meet




    Submitted on 2008-06-19 11:07:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      i sense the poem is saying that the real and unreal never seem to complete their merge with dreams and desires. Johann and Elsa are too desirous in attending to their own desires for the two of them to ever meet.
    | Posted on 2008-08-18 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      i thoroughly enjoyed this tale .... not just because your parallel lives of these two developed into a story, but because of the way you told it.

    i love the rhythm of this and the rhyme. yes, you could have developed their characters and played around with the plot, but for me you gave me enough for my imagination
    to go where i wanted to go
    and left me wondering about these two ...which then led me wondering about all the other lives that go on in my street and what may or may not happen if they ever stopped long enough to pass the time of day, let alone become aquainted....

    so yes. it works.
    | Posted on 2008-08-12 00:00:00 | by Alter idem | [ Reply to This ]
      But if they met
    But if they met

    Such mad children they'd beget
    Then bubble wrap and her round pet
    (Whose mutual friend, the internet
    Allowed them both to pirouette
    From wedding chapel to blessed debt)
    Could lovingly coo sobriquets...

    When they met
    When they met
    | Posted on 2008-06-27 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      OK. So I have to say that this poem caught my eye because the names in the title are of my grandparents; both Czech immigrants who were married when they were 19 and were together for more than 60 years. They are both dead now. She was tiny (under five feet tall) but full of a zeal for life I have rarely encountered since and he was neither fat nor bald--he had thick silver hair and spent his life as a butcher, a hunter a farmer a gardener--he was a well balanced meal.

    They are not your Elsa and Johann; in fact he Americanized his name to just John. . . and yet they are yours. That's what struck me--the way these two never know each other but somehow do. Hell, that could go on for them for 60 years. Just like we all know both of them--but none of us do. Are we all in such a state of contented forgetfulness--like your Elsa-- that we too are oblivious to the endless series of births, deaths, and rebirths that we each have endured? Are we too busy complaining about the price of cheese to see tragic beauty as it passes in front of us? Have we really forgotten that we are them and they are us? Yes. So we will never meet. What a perfect microcosm you have given us. Great write.
    | Posted on 2008-06-24 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      i really enjoyed this...

    i love how the two stories are intertwined, like pondering pipe smoke in the abyss of a dismal day.

    kinda like serendipity not meeting up to its full potential... yet it is there, in an almost way...

    i love the inner rhyme with no reasoning...

    this is like a stream that wants to meet up with a river that wants to meet up with the ocean that wants to... well wants to...

    ya know????
    | Posted on 2008-06-21 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]
      (teethless? ... toothless...?)

    i like that it goes back and forth. like those semi-dirty junior high rhymes ("...and lisa had a wall of clocks and liked to eat her boyfriend's ...potatoes..." ) or something... you know...

    tangents are lovely for wandering off of. and if tangents weren't there, it'd be tangerines, and you'd pay attention to the prepositions. and if the prepositions blinked at you like fiery neon tentacles, you'd bow to propositions set before you by your uncles and godmothers and hairy-kneed older brothers.

    (nonsensical? sorry...)
    | Posted on 2008-06-20 00:00:00 | by diamondmind | [ Reply to This ]
       I really like this poem.
    Your transitions are great, especially your line transitions and the way you end your sentences in the middle of a line (or not at all.)
    One thing I didn't understand was in the first stanza about Johann, you said he "mutters about / politics, the cost of cheese / and that girl he always sees / walking past his window named / elsa" It seems to me that when you say that, it sounds like Johann is complaining about these three things. Why is he complaining about Elsa? Also, when her name is mentioned, it seems to me that you're implying that he knows her name, which throws the end of the poem off for me.
    Other than that, this is a great poem. I like how you rhymed cheese and sees.
    (And I can't think of any nonsensical remarks)
    | Posted on 2008-06-20 00:00:00 | by WhatYouWill | [ Reply to This ]
      love this, the way you draw these 2 characters. nice job! only thing i might change (& it's just mho) is not repeat the last line, but that's minor. excellent work!

    peace, love and all that other junk,

    joe
    | Posted on 2008-06-19 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]


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