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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Transitional paragraphs from
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JAvery
    ASL Info:    30/F/Calhoun, GA
    Elite Ratio:    3.44 - 30/43/29
    Words: 331
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 41
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2126



    Description:
       These are two versions of the same chapter-opening paragraph. I decided that I wanted to try to get more into his head and to be more active than the more narrative approach of the first attempt. Which do y'all think is best? Honestly.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTransitional paragraphs from
    -------------------------------------------


    Original Version

    Coffee was not going to cure Steve's utter eshaustion this morning. He had already drank three quarters of his large cappuccino (with two extra shots or espresso) and he was still completely wiped out. It had been another long night. Creative Loafing had begged him to occasionally review a concert, Dave FM had begged him to do a weekly call-in spot on the morning show, and L5P.com had begged him to contribute a diary of his experience living in Little Five Points. Everyone was begging and Steve was just too generous to turn any of them down. He did enjoy it. But aside from his impossible schedule, a cloud of fear and doubt had formed in his mind since his recent appointment with Dr. Wardlaw. Pharses like "killing yourself by degrees," "slow suicide," and "heart attack" pecked at the back of his mind, telling him what he already knew.


    New Version

    Steve glanced from the road to the large and hideously caffinated cappuccino in his hand. About three quarters gone already. Useless caffine. Don't do me a lot of good when I only got three hours of sleep last night. He rarely took the time to run down the list of all he'd crammed into any given night, although he always knew it was a lot given the feeling of being flattened that usually followed. But Spring Street was utterly slammed this morning, so he had a little bit of an opportunity to hope to God he hadn't forgotten anything. Finished the blog entry for the Little Five Points website. Went to the Hayes Carll set at Variety Playhouse and got notes for the <u>Creative Loafing</u> review... His thoughts stalled and Dr. Wardlaw's voice slinked into his head. "You're killing yourself by degrees, son."




    Submitted on 2008-06-19 13:14:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
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    ||| Comments |||
      Not to incur the wrath of the public, but I had a greater affinity for the first, for a few reasons. Firstly, the first sentence of the second option has an easy to confuse sense to it. One could understand that he is glancing from the road, as in he's standing on the road.. towards his hand. That might just be me, but whatever. The second sentence didn't really do any justice either because it is way too short and symptomizing pejorative ellipsis qualities. I also don't appreciate characters with an intentionally downgraded verbiage: 'Don't do me' is improper, where it should be 'Doesn't do me.' Though, that again could just be me. I also think you should swap the first He, and the first Steve. Exchange their places. I also find that the 'he'd' you use is awkward because it could be he would, or he had. Also, that sentence is suddenly three lines long where you'd bee giving us consistently short sentences before. The reader who is habituated to a faster rate suddenly chokes on this behemoth. After which his list becomes this crammed mention - which I think you should add some Is to, and which to be honest confused me the second time around. I also think you should swap 'and' for 'as' in the before last sentence. Of course you need the spoof up the first option a bit, with mistakes like eshausted, the or which should be of, etc. But overall, I find the first one to be much more consistent and clear. However, I've doubts as to your direction based on the two because they both seem to be headed in different directions, even though their constituencies are seemingly the same.

    So yeah, that's my opinion!

    | Posted on 2008-06-30 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      okay I will say the second one, it seems a lot more thought out I would say, and really does flow a lot better than the first. Use the second, and just edit if needed.
    gj
    -Bill
    | Posted on 2008-06-20 00:00:00 | by Big_Bill789 | [ Reply to This ]
      The second one is better. The coffee part deffinitely flows more fluently. Although I did like the 'to do list' in the first one, the list in the second one might fit better as it is. This selection grabs your attention and really makes you wonder what's going on. I'm eager to find out how this tale turns out.
    | Posted on 2008-06-20 00:00:00 | by deadbeat_88 | [ Reply to This ]
      I definitely like the second one! I read the first one and all I could think was, "Okay, fix this, and this, and that," and then I read the second version and I was thinking, "Mmhmm... okay... yes!" My only advice for the second version is to chang the 'But Spring Street' to a 'However, Spring Street.' However just flows so much better at the beginning of a sentence.

    Other than that, I loved it. Very good beginning. I have to admit, I am intrigued!
    | Posted on 2008-06-20 00:00:00 | by Jester_Gesture | [ Reply to This ]



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