The opening line strikes me as- this dying character probably had no intention of calling your name, but the travails of pain rippling this dying character made the name burst forth(blurted out) at the same instant of giving up the ghost!
Either as a-maybe lamenting that certain crucial info were never divulged to a person that he never met.
How in the world did you get to know he is or what he is wearing?
Is that name covenantal guarantee-ing a peaceful hereafter to whoever that is in the throes of death's vice that speaks it!
I always prefer write ups that ignite differing flames from readers yet blazes a unity .
This makes me think of the play Agamemnon, when Agamemnon kills his daughter Iphigenia and gags her to stop her from cursing the house. She's in her yellow wedding dress, being hauled to the altar to be sacrificed...
The little details in this are what make it so good, I think. How the name 'escaped', forexample. It implies that the dead man was trying to trap it, somehow, keep hold of it. It makes this poem feel instantly foreboding, which ties in well with your end. It makes the name feel taken rather than given.
Thrusting to the heavens- that makes me think of two things. Breathing, and a desperate attempt to continue breathing, forcing it, in a way. And thrusting his soul or something up- a forceful letting go.
The parts in brackets are good, you make sure that we know we ought to be questioning his use of your name. It's always good to make sure :)
'the soul, of whom he never knew'- this I interpret as meaning that this man somehow misrecognised you (which is a made up word, yes. It's one my friend uses to describe this and no other word does, really)- he thought he knew you, but in fact he didn't know you at all. Misrecognition (lets get it in the dictionary!).
'I never met him' makes me think that maybe you didn't know him all that well either, or perhaps, scrapping my last thought, some total stranger has stolen your name and is using it at the moment of his death, for reasons you'll never discover. Which feels strangely threatening. The power of a name, right?
I like the visual 'holding my name to his lips' gives me.
Ok, lots of thoughts, and this is a pretty rambling, unspecified comment.
I see this as layered, maybe with a sense of controlled folly over admiring one so much. I think the layering depicts modern incarnations of god, the Christ perhaps? Someone whom we personify as superhuman simply because we have no other
means of knowing.
You are truly a deep and beautiful person and I know that you've earned the right to write about these things.
And finally there is a sorrow for one who has painted a godly man in degrees of legend that just aren't true, and then, how else would we choose to remember someone?
Exactly as the Divine does, being purified and having raised themselves up to touch the sky.
I read this as a "Lost Dad" calling out a daughter's name upon dying. An instance of self-induced "deliverance" and not of forgiveness.
Just a few small suggestions; S2 - L4 I'm hung up on the word "whom" and feel you could replace it with "the daughter" (if I read this correctly) or with "one." I think it will read smoother that way. Also in S4 - L1 Make it "He now..."
I feel it was probably more a case of your name being an anchor. No matter how "lost" they become, they always remember.
this makes sense to me but i dont know how. like... if i make myself think about it i get all tied and tangled up but if i sit with this piece and let it be then something inside me seems to agree or something...
i know this is a nonsense comment. which is a cue that i should go to sleep right soon
i like that he doesnt deserve the peace and finality he seems to find in your name... that it wasnt given to him or earnt and yet somehow he has claimed it to be his on some level or other.
i enjoyed reading your writing. very thorough, very definitive...i would have to agree with ronswords, in how a mere amount of us remains beyond our 'demise'...your second stage of lines, they are difficult, placed corruptively. too many options, as your poetry here was fluidly offered, or perhaps, commanded. these lines in particular negate the style of the piece, i feel, and are due to be better organized.
altogether, however, the message of the poetry far overcomes my opinion of placement. well done, keep it up.
This write I found to be very strong
To me you are speaking of how there is a little bit of us left on this Earth after our demise
I believe that strongly
Be it memories or the energy we contain within our earthly body there is always something left on this Earth to remember us by
I look forward to reading more from you in the future
Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think