[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: secretsdots

    Author: WhatYouWill
    Elite Ratio:    5.75 - 65/76/35
    Words: 44
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 846
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 353

       Inspired by a friend, who was kind enough to ask a question and supply me with an answer.

    EDITED 10/23/10

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    (No, you see, secrets are important.
    They rest within you,
    become the beauty that they are

    I, within my heart,
    grow my bouquets of private roses,
    fragrant lavender,
    velveteen stars

    while you, yourself,
    carry within you a thousand secret sunsets)

    Submitted on 2008-06-20 09:33:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I appreciate the simplicity, inspiration and imagery of this poem. It makes me very much think of the secret garden and what are secrets but a garden you keep, and hopefully keep well, within yourself.

    So yes, it's a gemstone of a write. Maybe not pearl or gold equivalent but precious nonetheless. And honestly, I enjoy poems like that, that simply are what they are. They're very satisfying to read.

    I do have some thoughts about your last stanza there. Something about it seems cut off to me and I think with just the slightest tweaking it could feel complete.

    First, I think that last line could be two, to create better pause. This way the reader slows down to the end, rather than having it happen so quickly.

    You, yourself,
    carry within you
    a thousand secret sunsets

    I also wonder if a transition word at the beginning of the first line might be good? Something like:

    While you, yourself,
    carry within you
    a thousand secret sunsets


    and you, yourself,
    carry within you
    a thousand secret sunsets


    thoughts anyway. To take or leave.

    | Posted on 2010-08-16 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      this reminds me of lorca in tone and temperament and the mood you create: very gentle, yet passionate and warming, thoughtful... like cold fingers thawing before a winter fire, y'know? that's the immediate response i got from it, but then, i'm weird like that.

    i guess i agree with you that secrets are important; they shape us in infinite ways, show through our eyes and through what we do and say to each other.

    very velvet.
    i like.
    | Posted on 2008-06-21 00:00:00 | by discombobulated | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    untitled written by Chelebel
    Love and Solitaire written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Faith In Line written by MyPeriodical
    I'm here written by BloodtornAngel
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Blood to Plowshares written by HisNameIsNoMore
    All Time Low written by Janesaddiction
    The Last to Walk the Earth written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Still written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Watch them Die written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Can't let my demons go written by faideddarkness
    Tides of Man written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The First Time written by Wolfwatching
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Aftermath and Waltz written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Sunt Mala Quae Libas written by MyPeriodical
    To the Epilogue written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Lunch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Dirge of Nostalgia written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Commencement written by Ramneet
    ME written by jjd
    Limbo written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Convergence written by HisNameIsNoMore




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]