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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: secretsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: WhatYouWill
    Elite Ratio:    5.75 - 65/76/35
    Words: 44
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 768
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 353



    Description:
       Inspired by a friend, who was kind enough to ask a question and supply me with an answer.

    EDITED 10/23/10


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotssecretsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    (No, you see, secrets are important.
    They rest within you,
    germinate,
    become the beauty that they are

    I, within my heart,
    grow my bouquets of private roses,
    fragrant lavender,
    hollyhock,
    velveteen stars

    while you, yourself,
    carry within you a thousand secret sunsets)




    Submitted on 2008-06-20 09:33:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I appreciate the simplicity, inspiration and imagery of this poem. It makes me very much think of the secret garden and what are secrets but a garden you keep, and hopefully keep well, within yourself.

    So yes, it's a gemstone of a write. Maybe not pearl or gold equivalent but precious nonetheless. And honestly, I enjoy poems like that, that simply are what they are. They're very satisfying to read.

    I do have some thoughts about your last stanza there. Something about it seems cut off to me and I think with just the slightest tweaking it could feel complete.

    First, I think that last line could be two, to create better pause. This way the reader slows down to the end, rather than having it happen so quickly.

    You, yourself,
    carry within you
    a thousand secret sunsets

    I also wonder if a transition word at the beginning of the first line might be good? Something like:

    While you, yourself,
    carry within you
    a thousand secret sunsets

    or

    and you, yourself,
    carry within you
    a thousand secret sunsets

    *

    thoughts anyway. To take or leave.

    -Emeya
    | Posted on 2010-08-16 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      this reminds me of lorca in tone and temperament and the mood you create: very gentle, yet passionate and warming, thoughtful... like cold fingers thawing before a winter fire, y'know? that's the immediate response i got from it, but then, i'm weird like that.

    i guess i agree with you that secrets are important; they shape us in infinite ways, show through our eyes and through what we do and say to each other.

    very velvet.
    i like.
    | Posted on 2008-06-21 00:00:00 | by discombobulated | [ Reply to This ]


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