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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: as she sleepsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: WhatYouWill
    Elite Ratio:    5.75 - 65/76/35
    Words: 213
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 640
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1327



    Description:
       minor edit 10/23/10


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsas she sleepsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    As she sleeps she can feel the steady pull of the moon
    drawing her deep to the bottom of the sea.

    And as she rests in the womb of the world
    and feels the throbbing of the ocean around her ears,
    hears the far-off whale call,
    senses the whisperingly quiet fish brush against her skin,
    she is coral.

    Her seaweed hair is pulled back.

    And she can spend hours just breathing out
    and watching the ripples in the green.

    Oh,
    she is in the deep water,
    and in the river-reeds,
    and the tide pushes her in and out,
    and her body scrapes the sand when she floats, limp
    in the shallow water of the beach.

    And she touches the sharp-edged red sea glass,
    cutting her palm,
    kissing the blood,
    tasting the bitter taste of the life
    that is leaking out of her through her hands.

    She tries to breath out,
    tries to make ripples in the blue sky,
    but she is rasping,
    and her breath is chafing her lungs,
    and she is still.

    And she longs for the wet tang
    of salty sweet sea water.

    Cooling her face,
    letting her move and swim and
    feel the soft motion of her gills in the blood water.




    Submitted on 2008-06-20 15:16:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I quite particularly like 'in the green', because there is something vaguely abstract about how you make green the noun, something slightly quirky about it, which appeals to me.

    At the moment I'm pretty obsessed with the sea and the moon, and tides, and I like this because it's different to anything I've written about the sea, because you take it somewhere else, so it gets my thoughts going.

    I'll agree with the last comment and say 'she is coral' is a stunning little insert, for all that it evokes. It gets her fragility across, her permeability (is that a word???), but also this sense of oneness, how her skin, if it's coral, accepts the water through its myriad of holes.

    I also like the switch to the violence of her not being able to breathe. Switches in tone are hard to manage but you do it well. :) Her body scraping the sand is another high point for me.

    The ending is kind of elusive, it lets the reader take or make what they will of it. It's not entirely clear if she is returned to her peaceful state or not, and I like that it's elusive.

    Anyhoo, this is good stuff :) I really liked it.

    Take care

    Aly
    | Posted on 2010-03-29 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      a very surreal scene, and again, very warm and empassioned and... virile, if that's the right word.

    i imagined a sad mermaid, swimming, looking, searching for... what if's and truth amongst the jagged rocks of the seafloor. psychologically, i get feelings of... deep despair, but with an essence of restrained finality to it all, as if... what can one do but roll with the tide and accept what is.

    brooding.
    i especially love the "She is coral" line.
    that really stood out.
    | Posted on 2008-06-21 00:00:00 | by discombobulated | [ Reply to This ]


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