spinning june by discombobulated

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: spinning june dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	discombobulated
ASL Info:	26/m/nz
Elite Ratio:	5.22 - 81/63/24
Words:	85

Class/Type:	Limerick/Vampire
Total Views:	168
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	514

Description:
just wrote this now. i'm feeling very zen, i guess.

it's not about vampires.
and neither is it a limerick.
sorry to disappoint.

haha.

spinning june dots

-------------------------------------------

french doors, pierced
by saffron light: i stand,
chatter to the birds, find relief
in the vastness of sky
as shelter, as twine
enveloped in spider fingers,
weaving, weaving.

i brush the breeze aside,
still this nervous house,
this house of dreams reflected
in quiet deliverance; time
to clink my glass, spill drops
in libation: thank the unseen stars
for all of this, for all of this.

Submitted on 2008-06-21 02:57:22 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This reminds me of a part in Mary Shelleys Frankenstein, I remember something about how despite everything the guy was still able to appreciate the tender beauty of nature, how his heart could open up and the world still gave him joy. This poem means that to me. It is a quiet reflection of a series of very beautiful images. You have presented them well with your choices of words.

enveloped in spider fingers,
weaving, weaving.

There is something passionate about the way this is put together, the melodic rythm suggests lightness, it's really good. Like spreading out your sheets to make the bed, does that make sense? I just got that image, I could see myself throwing the sheets in the air on top of the matress and allowing the air to take the sheet and lay it down, the repition gives that feeling, weaving weaving, I really like that, it's powerful.

The second stanza reads differently. Wow I just had an epiphany, I could be wrong but this all sounds a little like string theory to me, there's mention of reflections, there's the repitition to suggest symmetry, there's pattern, there's the mention of strings themselves,

"in quiet deliverance; time
to clink my glass, spill drops "

I wonder if the placing of the word time is deliberate? If so it could stand alone, and while it suggests that it is now time for action it could also say all by itself, time. Like here it is, in it's motion its width, it's length and depth. Wow, I could be wrong and even if I am I think this is a really strong and powerful piece that suggests the truths in nature, which I think would make it easy for me to apply physics and math into it. Funny. Well, I like this, I think it is one of the best things I have read in awhile.
| Posted on 2008-08-02 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
  A superbly written poem, with pastel tones and vibrant images. Poem possess multiple eyes like the fan of the peacock. The beauty of this poem arrives from the deep color of your words. A job well done.
| Posted on 2008-07-26 00:00:00 | by FireFly747 | [ Reply to This ]
  you have given us a snap shot of 'you' …
in a quiet moment of awesome wonder.
i can picture you by the big glass doors,
glass in hand, looking up
at the sky roof, just as dawn is breaking and the first rays of golden light shine through. [you had probably
just arrived home after walking the streets
while writing yet another piece of poetry in your head!]

..... and while you are in this mood why not be grateful that your heart is open to the beauty of this earth, the wide sky and the glistening morning sun.

in precious introspective moments like this, you can genuinely feel that each new dawn is filled with infinite possibilities for new beginnings and new discoveries. Life is constantly changing and renewing itself and it is possible to believe that we can be restored and renewed in a joyous awakening to the wonder that our lives are and yet can be.

i think that your senses are pretty much open to all the nuances that surround you Jase!

its not just the ocean and streams, the towering hills the whispering wind through the trees and green grass. your senses are highly tuned. and you are not embarrassed to tell the world just how much you enjoy to hear the songs of birds, and see the splendour of fields of golden wheat, and taste autumn's fruit, rejoice in the feel of snow, and smell the breath of spring flowers without sounding naff!

…… or is it my knowing that you can equally, tune into the anguish of terror, pain and hopelessness and find the words to write about them freely and candidly, that keeps your street cred in tact….. ?

whatever….. this is uplifting and very lovely.

J
| Posted on 2008-06-28 00:00:00 | by Alter idem | [ Reply to This ]
  this is really quite pretty....

I find, that lately, before I settle into day, or the beginning of day, I go out to my stoop and drink my coffee and listen to the world wake up around me. I love the chitter chatter of birds. Sometimes I find that it settles my thoughts... or maybe it takes my mind away from them.

Gratitude has a way with me sometimes. It is like this gentle okay, it washes over me... when I can smile at what is, and be thankful for it...
| Posted on 2008-06-24 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]


............find relief
in the vastness of sky
as shelter, as twine
enveloped in spider fingers,
weaving, weaving.

This reminds me that we are protected even more than we can imagine. And you've simply written about a time when you noticed this. It speaks of a universal love and how we give thanks.

Gratitude might be simplest of prayers and most ecumenical.
And on all realities we are being woven into out paths, not the ones our egos might choose but the ones that make earth a better place to live.

While this might have been place to simply reflect your calm joy, you made it adopt a theme. It hopes for a brighter love and pure consciousness- you glimpse it and then share it.

Hmm, did it really say all that or is my mantra in over drive?

Nice, I like how you get right to the point, which is the one on your head. *ha*

Nan
| Posted on 2008-06-22 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked this. It's got this refreshing romantic quality to it that makes it altogether remarkably unique. I loved the imagery which I think is one of the strong points if your write. I also happen to think that your circumspect choice of words definitely made the difference. I really enjoyed when you said that you felt as if you were one with the sky and the ending has got this memorably lullaby-like soothing touch that is just quite uplifting.

Well, I don't usually light upon deep and profound nor well-thought writes around here but this is one of the rare exceptions!

Cheer,

Ethan

PS: loved you nick!!!!!!!!!

| Posted on 2008-06-21 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece? 7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?

162786

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]