The veterinarian thought it was just a cold
we didn't know it was cancer
gouging its evil path up your nose
and into your precious brain
so he gave me antibiotics
and almost as an afterthought
I mentioned that for a couple weeks
I noticed your whispered whimper
we thought it might be because you were sick
or at your advanced age
perhaps early dementia or anxiety
maybe something neurological
he said you would be more needy of me
and told me not to worry
give you your meds and lots of love
watch your eating and drinking habits
and follow up after you got well

sigh..."after you got well"

So you and I hopped into the car
as if it were a day like any other day
for a week I gave you your meds
and listened to your quiet entreaties
needing me
while I sat with my back to you
attached to the computer
that was attached to someone
who wrote to me of his need
and love and desire
with poetic magnetism
that pulled me towards him
and away from you
ultimately he admitted it was all lies

One night, the seizures came
I sat numbly listening to words like
neurological disorders
brain cancer
foreign objects making their way to your brain
death by seizure
and I thought...I can't fix this
I never saw it coming
we didn't even have 24 hours to prepare
to let you go
Rusty, I didn't know
you were dying
it's you I should have been attached to
you, who I have always needed
you, who has always loved me
unconditionally
I should have been there for you
as you have been there for me
through those painful times
when I thought I was dying and didn't
but wanted to

I'm so sorry I didn't realize
the reality of your soft cries
I never meant to ignore you
while death was paying attention
because I was looking for love
in all the wrong places
his love was a game
your love was solid as a rock
like the one I want to crawl under now
to live with the insects, fungus and worms
where I belong

I've made so many mistakes in my life
but this is the most awful thing I've ever done
I know your love for me is unconditional
so you have probably already forgiven me
which begs the question:
is it your forgiveness I need

or is it my own