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    dots Submission Name: Dark Night (Part I)dots

    Author: WhatYouWill
    Elite Ratio:    5.75 - 65/76/35
    Words: 137
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 739
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 889

       Here is the first draft, from which I have severely deviated.

    Dark Night,

    You ensnare me
    With your beautiful languid poems of centuries before
    You befuddle me
    By not letting me see
    My sight belongs to me

    You try to push me
    Off a cliff
    And don�t even watch to see
    Where I fall

    Dark Night,
    I come from you
    From that part
    Deep inside

    So, Night
    Why are you so
    Dark to me?

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDark Night (Part I)dots

    Dark Night,
    You ensnare me
    with your languid poems.
    With your luxurious honeysweet speech.
    I touch the piano softly, so softly, and
    how I crave you.

    Dark Night,
    To escape from the blank white days
    I have chased you through a million bloody sunsets,
    ignoring the fact that you have
    stolen my legs
    to use when you lose your own.

    (Dark Night,
    You have stolen my eyes, too,
    and there are spiders that live in there now,
    worms that whisper when I am sleeping.)

    Dark Night,
    Surely I have proven
    that I will say the moon is the sun
    and the sun is the moon without pause.
    That I will watch you
    even when you are impossible to see.

    So, Night,
    why are you still so
    Dark to me?

    Submitted on 2008-06-21 13:47:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      WARNING: liquid is in a snippy mood
    Do not take offense--it's nothing to do with you, for Chrissake. God. Just leave me alone.

    First the good stuff:
    There is a powerful feeling to this poem. Something about the line breaks, maybe, suggest a voice that is young, innocent, even naive. It sounds like someone befuddled (isn't that a great word? befuddled befuddled befuddled) by a sudden and unexpected pain, trying to explain it to themselves. (I am interpreting the "dark night" as being some kind of ordeal.) Whether this is intentional or not, the effect is strong. The poem ensnares me.

    Then the bad stuff:
    However, the poem sometimes seems confused as to what its tone hould be. In this case I would pursue simplicity, for maximum pithiness, and so as to avoid distancing the reader from the emotion. Often you've done a good job of that, but in a few cases I plead the old rule: never use two words when one will do.

    In the second line, for instance, you turn the phrase "beautiful languid poems of centuries before." Languid is a lovely, unusual word, and complements "centuries before," but why the beautiful? It detracts more than it adds--beautiful is an overused and under-descriptive word anyway, and it overshadows the glory of languid. Cut it.
    | Posted on 2009-03-30 00:00:00 | by liquid | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I guess that's actually the only instance. So, you know, yay. I'm not sure about the capitilization--it makes it look messy to my eyes.
    I'd advise no capitilization, or just the beginnings of the sentences.

    Then some more good stuff:
    Just some small cool thing I noticed:
    I love how you end on a question. The letter form is so interesting--it makes me feel like a postman, whistling up the road, reading the postcards. (This would make a very mysterious postcard.)
    I love how the beginning--Dark Night--echoes the traditional letter beginning, as in Dear Liquid.
    I love "languid poems."
    I love the philosophical question raised by Stanza #4 (Line #11-14) (I think).
    And I have a question: how did you manage to mail this anyway? Can I have the address?
    | Posted on 2009-03-30 00:00:00 | by liquid | [ Reply to This ]
      What I'm struck by is that this is how I feel about most of the reviews I get on ES. It seems no one "gets me" here. I don't know if that's what you were trying to get across, but if it was - you nailed it!

    Thank you for voicing this if for no other reason than that I was trying to figure out a way to say this myself. I apologize if I've skewed your powerful and poignant words to fit my own situation.

    It is written in beautiful simplicity and I wouldn't change a thing.

    | Posted on 2008-06-21 00:00:00 | by Seagirl | [ Reply to This ]

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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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