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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Surrenderdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: twistedchick
    ASL Info:    17/girlie/United Kingdom
    Elite Ratio:    1.89 - 14/39/52
    Words: 278
    Class/Type: Lyrics/
    Total Views: 63
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1874



    Description:
       A song


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSurrenderdots
    -------------------------------------------


    What am I to do without you here,
    When everything I say and do, just keeps reminding me of you....
    You said just before you died,
    "now baby, don't you go and cry"
    But here I am... drowning in my tears.


    I can hear your voice inside my head,
    and your telling me.....
    "don't you go and cry"
    "I am not worth your tears"
    "and you deserve better"
    "If you ever loved me, then you'll forget me"
    "and keep moving on, just keep moving on"


    This isnt how it is suppose to be!
    All I can do is remember everything about you,
    Somehow you were different from what I've known.
    You stormed my heart before I could say no...
    I couldn't help but surrender my everything to you.
    So here I am...
    here I am
    staring at all of the pictures of you and me


    I can hear your voice inside my head,
    Your telling me.....
    "dont you go and cry"
    "I'm not worth those tears"
    "and you deserve so much better"
    "If you ever loved me"
    "if you EVER LOVED ME......."
    "then you'll forget me"
    "and just keep..... moving.... on"


    You left me breathless... ( the way you looked at me)
    You left me speechless... ( the way you talked to me )
    I thought I was invisible till you knocked down the walls within me
    I couldn't help but surrender my everything to you.
    So can I really forget you
    From the way you looked at me?
    You managed to disarm me
    The sun is shining threw
    I couldn't help but surrender my everything to you....




    Submitted on 2008-06-22 00:12:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like this, but I don't like that there is no punctuation and the misspelling of a few things...

    This piece has so much potential, and I really hope that you are not finished with it, because I believe that you could make it so much better!

    I suggest against using 'do' as the last word on both the first and second line, for this creates redundance, and can inherently kill a good piece.

    I love the feeling in this piece, keep up the good work!

    ^.~

    <3
    Rose Macabre


    | Posted on 2008-06-23 00:00:00 | by Queen_of_spades | [ Reply to This ]
      I dunno. It feels to sugar coated and filled with clichés for my taste. Your young tho, maybe in some years time you'll have something more to say...
    | Posted on 2008-06-22 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like the flow of this piece. It is definately not the most original work in the world, but somehow you have made it your own.
    | Posted on 2008-06-22 00:00:00 | by jayisademon | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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