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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: RIGHT NOWdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 276
    Class/Type: Misc/Serious
    Total Views: 732
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1628



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRIGHT NOWdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Where are we going?
    I'm headed to a place where the floors are clean and I am
    different
    It is cooler
    it is bigger


    It Is

    I just got to this place completely and i think from now on it will all be better
    like lightning in the limelight
    still mountains in the still hours
    sitting on top of the world where we're alone
    but feeling apart of
    and with unity with
    the wind and the sky and the snow

    I can see a place where there is no sound
    but the vibrant and powerful voice of
    Self

    In that place when I am alone together with some great god or alien or vibration, I will

    be happy

    I wonder if I will ever get to that place


    Here is somewhere else

    It's brighter in here and there is a soft hum of an air conditioner
    and new mediocre music plays in your ears
    and laughter and teasing fills the room
    and this laughter has no color
    and these tears shed no pain

    I would live here if I could, but not forever that I know
    that there are other places
    to be

    So I feel like I am falling backwards in my chair
    And I have to trust what I am sitting in
    I don't know how we were made
    but I do know that it doesn't matter
    I know that this is the only way that I ever feel sane
    because be it magic or memory or membranes
    it's all just the same
    whatever it is

    It Is




    Submitted on 2008-06-22 02:36:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I mostly agree with the first comment here, so I'm just noting some typos and grammar. Ignoring capitalization because it doesn't seem to be a concern here.

    "sitting on top of the world where we're alone
    but feeling apart of
    and with unity with
    the wind and the sky and the snow"

    "apart" should be split to "a part". It could have been a clever way to add a word that contrasts/contradicts with the unity bit, but I doubt it was meant as such.

    Remove the "with" before "unity", it's redundant.

    "and new mediocre ..."
    "and laughter and teasing ..."
    "and this laughter ..."
    "and these tears ..."
    Remove all those "and"s, the poem will not lost content by dropping them.

    The laughter and teasing line, "fills" might be better off without the s.

    "I would live here if I could, but not forever that I know"
    I question "that". It reads better in my head if it is changed to "now". Yet, depending on what you or substance are trying to get across here, "that" could and would make more sense than "now". I just don't know the intent of the sentence/stanza, which means this paragraph is useless.
    | Posted on 2008-06-24 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
      Think its my turn Jaz :)

    First off I like the way you mix and weave realism and surrealism together into your work, it makes it bigger but down to earth at the same time.

    I love the alliteration of Lightning in the limelight and magic or memory or membranes

    Its raw, a little disheveled and unorganized, but that rawness makes it familiar and I can almost follow your thoughts in their broken patterns.

    I took it all in on 2 levels, one where i took weed out, and one where i added weed into the storyline. Each yielded different results.

    I half see it as the lonliness at the top of the pack, and half see it as being high alone. It works either way.

    Your imagery of rooms and situations and air conditioner buzzing noises... all brought me into the poem, i got tranced... it was nice.

    Your mind seems... interesting and fun... enjoy your night and nice poem :)
    | Posted on 2008-06-22 00:00:00 | by Passionbyapathy | [ Reply to This ]


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