[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: The Sensesdots

    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 310
    Class/Type: Poetry/Comedy
    Total Views: 695
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1761


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Sensesdots

    there was a thought with the echo
    and a voice coming from the other line
    I heard a calling from the glaciers
    I saw a sandbar on the other side of the shore

    it took a boat for you to get to me
    you learned to build it with your hands
    because you knew that I knew you could
    it was the least that I expected

    I cannot say what is next for me
    only imagine it in lines
    there was the hint of a new hue
    but I don't need to know
    there was the slightest bit of symmetry
    if there ever was it is gone now

    I sat in the shower
    or was it the rain forest
    or was it just a camp fire?
    I'm pretty sure it was all of that
    and i just thought the same thought in all

    but the point is, I was thinking
    and the heat and the moisture and my body were all present
    i looked down and saw my bare legs
    and the waves of temperature fogging up the glass
    the thick moisture of it
    the hard breathing and clean lungs

    I was just th
    inking about how I love feeling this way
    and how it very rarely happens for me
    but when it does
    I get this sense of definition to myself
    and i relate with my hands and my toes
    I know my long hair
    and I feel my skin
    and it all makes sense
    more than not

    this sensation
    isn't something I am very use to
    self aware and comfortable
    I wish it all for you and for him
    but it just takes a while to get here
    and there's no staying overnight
    if I should have to be selfish, to get this all the time, I wonder if I would?

    Submitted on 2008-06-22 14:14:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
    I just completely feel that this is one of the best things you've written. I failed to see the comedy aspect (as it was marked), but I'm a killjoy. Whatever I think it's about or means (if anything) I like this most of all for the superior use of words and phrasing and also how I felt as I read it.

    As I read: I want to note that whatever I say, I don't think I'm anywhere close. I'm way off on a lot I'm sure. Since this is marked comedy, I'm uncomfortable with taking it for more than surface value...

    First stanza:
    I like the imagery.

    Second stanza:
    The second line is odd to me. You could build a boat without directly using hands, but... The other way is, it was learned by feel, just doing it rather than thinking about it and perfecting the technique.
    The last two lines of the stanza suggest that though the person did this, the speaker is unimpressed due to the speakers awareness that it would happen. Downplaying the effort.

    Third stanza:
    is confusing to me due to the lack of punctuation. So.
    "I cannot say what is next for me
    only imagine it in lines
    there was the hint of a new hue
    but I don't need to know"
    I read that as the speaker thinking of what the future holds. The second line in the stanza I first think is talking about thinking of the future linearly, in a straight line and that whatever path is chosen the consequences are obvious and largely unavoidable. Then I read it again and thought the speaker could be imagine the future as a long waiting game "standing in line", that is less likely, but I've already stated I don't think I'm getting close at all.
    Then, the third line, the speaker suggests that there is an idea, a situation, a change that could rearrange all this, but in the fourth line brushes it away as unnecessary.
    In this interpretation, I fail to comprehend the last two lines of the stanza in any meaningful way other than it possibly being a nod to your religious/scientific views ideas.

    The other interpretation of the third stanza is an artistic one. So lines are part of the overall picture the speaker imagines, the third and fourth lines could still means something similar to the previous interpretation. The artist standpoint fits the last two lines more as symmetry would represent the balance of the speaker's life or ideas of a future while the last line notes that whatever such balance existed no longer does now. This interpretation makes more sense to me.

    If "but I don't need to know" is not necessary to the whole, I'd suggest removing it. If I'm somewhat close, then it is necessary.

    Fourth stanza:
    This stanza is where the poem makes a turn.
    The confusion of where the speaker is/was at suggests the things dealt with in the poem are recurring things/thoughts.

    Fifth stanza:
    This stanza suggests to me that the previous stanza was intended as a digression and that perhaps the speaker is speaking to someone. Or just making notes. I read a bit of sexuality into it. But eh.
    Other than that this stanza is kind of bland to me beyond the imagery. The last line in this is fantastic though.

    Sixth stanza:
    Splitting thinking is either accidental, meant to represent broken thinking, or just a random thing to do. Whatever the case, I like it.
    Other than that, the poem becomes more straightforward talking and doesn't require/benefit much interpretation that I can find.

    Seventh stanza:
    More straightforward talking with a suggestion that the speaker is talking to a friend, a lover, or some other person the speaker wishes positive things for.
    "but it just takes a while to get her
    and there's no staying overnight"
    I like this thought, it's true. Balance is constantly changing and can only be achieved for a short period of time.
    The last line is one of my favorite lines in any poem I've read. Personally, I would. Maybe that's because I need a break, or maybe that's just how I would be regardless.

    If I read too much into this, oh well, fool on me.
    If I couldn't possibly catch on because it's drug related, then oh well, I can't congratulate you on writing something that something else wrote for you. Though if largely drug-induced and less person, I have a greater respect for what drugs produce at times.
    If not, then great job, even if I have no idea.
    | Posted on 2008-06-24 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this. It is very obscure, and vague. It is definately a head-scratcher but an enjoyable read, and definately well worded. It just has a very originaly feel even if the message was somewhat unclear.
    | Posted on 2008-06-22 00:00:00 | by jayisademon | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Cover written by saartha
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    AI written by poetotoe
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Etiquette written by saartha
    True Death written by layDsayD
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Carry written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Love written by saartha
    prison written by ShyOne
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    Brigit written by endlessgame23




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]