The Senses by lori_tab

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Submission Name: The Senses dots

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Author:	lori_tab
ASL Info:	19/f/alabama
Elite Ratio:	4.02 - 1183/1123/288
Words:	310

Class/Type:	Poetry/Comedy
Total Views:	84
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1761

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there was a thought with the echo
and a voice coming from the other line
I heard a calling from the glaciers
I saw a sandbar on the other side of the shore

it took a boat for you to get to me
you learned to build it with your hands
because you knew that I knew you could
it was the least that I expected

I cannot say what is next for me
only imagine it in lines
there was the hint of a new hue
but I don't need to know
there was the slightest bit of symmetry
if there ever was it is gone now

I sat in the shower
or was it the rain forest
or was it just a camp fire?
I'm pretty sure it was all of that
and i just thought the same thought in all

but the point is, I was thinking
and the heat and the moisture and my body were all present
i looked down and saw my bare legs
and the waves of temperature fogging up the glass
the thick moisture of it
the hard breathing and clean lungs

I was just th
inking about how I love feeling this way
and how it very rarely happens for me
but when it does
I get this sense of definition to myself
and i relate with my hands and my toes
I know my long hair
and I feel my skin
and it all makes sense
more than not

this sensation
isn't something I am very use to
self aware and comfortable
I wish it all for you and for him
but it just takes a while to get here
and there's no staying overnight
if I should have to be selfish, to get this all the time, I wonder if I would?

Submitted on 2008-06-22 14:14:12 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
Overall:
I just completely feel that this is one of the best things you've written. I failed to see the comedy aspect (as it was marked), but I'm a killjoy. Whatever I think it's about or means (if anything) I like this most of all for the superior use of words and phrasing and also how I felt as I read it.

As I read: I want to note that whatever I say, I don't think I'm anywhere close. I'm way off on a lot I'm sure. Since this is marked comedy, I'm uncomfortable with taking it for more than surface value...

First stanza:
I like the imagery.

Second stanza:
The second line is odd to me. You could build a boat without directly using hands, but... The other way is, it was learned by feel, just doing it rather than thinking about it and perfecting the technique.
The last two lines of the stanza suggest that though the person did this, the speaker is unimpressed due to the speakers awareness that it would happen. Downplaying the effort.

Third stanza:
is confusing to me due to the lack of punctuation. So.
"I cannot say what is next for me
only imagine it in lines
there was the hint of a new hue
but I don't need to know"
I read that as the speaker thinking of what the future holds. The second line in the stanza I first think is talking about thinking of the future linearly, in a straight line and that whatever path is chosen the consequences are obvious and largely unavoidable. Then I read it again and thought the speaker could be imagine the future as a long waiting game "standing in line", that is less likely, but I've already stated I don't think I'm getting close at all.
Then, the third line, the speaker suggests that there is an idea, a situation, a change that could rearrange all this, but in the fourth line brushes it away as unnecessary.
In this interpretation, I fail to comprehend the last two lines of the stanza in any meaningful way other than it possibly being a nod to your religious/scientific views ideas.

The other interpretation of the third stanza is an artistic one. So lines are part of the overall picture the speaker imagines, the third and fourth lines could still means something similar to the previous interpretation. The artist standpoint fits the last two lines more as symmetry would represent the balance of the speaker's life or ideas of a future while the last line notes that whatever such balance existed no longer does now. This interpretation makes more sense to me.

If "but I don't need to know" is not necessary to the whole, I'd suggest removing it. If I'm somewhat close, then it is necessary.

Fourth stanza:
This stanza is where the poem makes a turn.
The confusion of where the speaker is/was at suggests the things dealt with in the poem are recurring things/thoughts.

Fifth stanza:
This stanza suggests to me that the previous stanza was intended as a digression and that perhaps the speaker is speaking to someone. Or just making notes. I read a bit of sexuality into it. But eh.
Other than that this stanza is kind of bland to me beyond the imagery. The last line in this is fantastic though.

Sixth stanza:
Splitting thinking is either accidental, meant to represent broken thinking, or just a random thing to do. Whatever the case, I like it.
Other than that, the poem becomes more straightforward talking and doesn't require/benefit much interpretation that I can find.

Seventh stanza:
More straightforward talking with a suggestion that the speaker is talking to a friend, a lover, or some other person the speaker wishes positive things for.
"but it just takes a while to get her
and there's no staying overnight"
I like this thought, it's true. Balance is constantly changing and can only be achieved for a short period of time.
The last line is one of my favorite lines in any poem I've read. Personally, I would. Maybe that's because I need a break, or maybe that's just how I would be regardless.

If I read too much into this, oh well, fool on me.
If I couldn't possibly catch on because it's drug related, then oh well, I can't congratulate you on writing something that something else wrote for you. Though if largely drug-induced and less person, I have a greater respect for what drugs produce at times.
If not, then great job, even if I have no idea.
| Posted on 2008-06-24 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
I really like this. It is very obscure, and vague. It is definately a head-scratcher but an enjoyable read, and definately well worded. It just has a very originaly feel even if the message was somewhat unclear.
| Posted on 2008-06-22 00:00:00 | by jayisademon | [ Reply to This ]

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