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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Love Be a Junkie Tonightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jayisademon
    ASL Info:    20/m/il
    Elite Ratio:    3.66 - 90/47/51
    Words: 164
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 74
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1104



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLove Be a Junkie Tonightdots
    -------------------------------------------


    It's always a shame
    to watch you die on me.
    I know I should be conditioned
    not to expect much,
    but for some reason, I do.

    Maybe it's the nonsense,
    and my bullshit demeanor.
    You know you're a rebel
    or at least you try.

    Love be a junkie tonight,
    So she can tie off
    and let her soul take flight.

    My head's a swimmer
    who juumped in too early
    with a gut full of blood and salt
    She's got that needle in her arm again,
    somehow this time's my fault.

    Oh well, whatever.
    We're as good as dead,
    or we will be by nightfall.
    Tonight love is a boxer
    who breaks my fucking jaw.

    It's morning now,
    ans somehow we've made love
    with the moon's late-nite
    dance with devil.

    My head's floating now,
    My motions are a ittle more steady
    as I walk to her door.
    So love be giver,
    and give her life, just a little more.




    Submitted on 2008-06-22 14:47:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Ha. I like the title. That line is great. The poem is ok, still rough in some parts.

    "It's always a shame
    to watch you die on me"

    Hm... What can I say those lines are good.

    "It's morning now,
    ans somehow we've made love
    with the moon's late-nite
    dance with devil."

    These are not so good especially the last two. There's a grammatical problem there.

    "So love be giver,
    and give her life, just a little more."

    The ending I dunno. It sounds very selfish to me. As if her life was there only to give you pleasure or something.

    It's ok overall tho. Keep writing!

    | Posted on 2008-06-22 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece is really good, it goes through so many emotions, the only part I did not like was "Maybe it's the nonsense,
    and my bull[censored] demeanor.
    You know you're a rebel
    or at least you try."

    That did not seem to fit with the flow, almost like a mad rant thrown in with it.

    "Tonight love is a boxer
    who breaks my [censored] jaw."

    I liked the rawness of this line a lot.
    Also the ending was very well done.


    | Posted on 2008-06-22 00:00:00 | by Joybell | [ Reply to This ]



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