[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: The Gray Liondots

    Author: Toxic_Rayne
    ASL Info:    18/f/a happier place
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 1314/1095/162
    Words: 103
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 717
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 787

       a poem dedicated to my grandpa.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Gray Liondots

    Behind the joy of family, in his eyes
    hides horrors of things unknown.
    Tales of bullets, shrapnel...
    images never shown.

    Symbolized in the ink of his tattoo
    are the days when the lion still fought.
    Proud veteran of nightmarish reality.
    Age: his paw is caught.

    The fighter speaks in a shattered growl,
    naught but a remnant of his former roar.
    the feeble lion prowls.
    Cautious due to muscles blown and torn.
    Stubgorn: he stands tall.

    Proud one...
    The soldier...
    who served his country.
    The fighter...
    battling life itself.
    The gray lion...
    frail shell, strong heart.
    Ferocious soul.

    Submitted on 2008-06-24 02:28:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      The last two lines really made this poem for me- you perfectly encapsulated everything in those six words. I thought the rest of the poem was good, without ever really scaling the heights that you managed at the end (although I did like 'shattered growl').

    I can only suggest trying to maintain that level of intensity throughout the whole poem- it's difficult, I know, but I think you'd really be onto something if you did.

    Also- a few grammar/spelling things need to be fixed ('stubgorn'? 'his eyes/hides'?), but that is only a minor consideration.

    I look forward to reading your other work.

    | Posted on 2008-06-30 00:00:00 | by Civilian | [ Reply to This ]
      This is wonderful! I sense so much pride in your writing, and rightfully so. All of us owe so much to the war veterans, particularly the ones who saw combat. I offer a heartfelt "thank you" to your grandfather, and another to you for writing this excellent piece!
    | Posted on 2008-06-29 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      Well done,

    It has been awhile since I commented on here but, it is nice to return to some good sound writing that allows the writer to see into the mind of the writer. Your grandfather is a proud man as he should be and for you to recognize that says that you are in tune with him.
    Again, Nicely done

    Respect and Admiration

    | Posted on 2008-06-25 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
      That was awsome to say the least. I like how you used the lion to portray the whole thing I actually got the mentle image.
    | Posted on 2008-06-24 00:00:00 | by supergirl_in_oh | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Push written by JanePlane
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    The Promise written by annie0888
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Bond written by saartha
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Linger written by saartha
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]