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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Gray Liondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Toxic_Rayne
    ASL Info:    18/f/a happier place
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 1314/1095/162
    Words: 103
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 609
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 787



    Description:
       a poem dedicated to my grandpa.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Gray Liondots
    -------------------------------------------



    Behind the joy of family, in his eyes
    hides horrors of things unknown.
    Tales of bullets, shrapnel...
    images never shown.

    Symbolized in the ink of his tattoo
    are the days when the lion still fought.
    Proud veteran of nightmarish reality.
    Age: his paw is caught.

    The fighter speaks in a shattered growl,
    naught but a remnant of his former roar.
    Tentative...
    Slow...
    the feeble lion prowls.
    Cautious due to muscles blown and torn.
    Stubgorn: he stands tall.

    Proud one...
    The soldier...
    who served his country.
    The fighter...
    battling life itself.
    The gray lion...
    frail shell, strong heart.
    Ferocious soul.




    Submitted on 2008-06-24 02:28:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The last two lines really made this poem for me- you perfectly encapsulated everything in those six words. I thought the rest of the poem was good, without ever really scaling the heights that you managed at the end (although I did like 'shattered growl').

    I can only suggest trying to maintain that level of intensity throughout the whole poem- it's difficult, I know, but I think you'd really be onto something if you did.

    Also- a few grammar/spelling things need to be fixed ('stubgorn'? 'his eyes/hides'?), but that is only a minor consideration.

    I look forward to reading your other work.

    Ciao
    | Posted on 2008-06-30 00:00:00 | by Civilian | [ Reply to This ]
      This is wonderful! I sense so much pride in your writing, and rightfully so. All of us owe so much to the war veterans, particularly the ones who saw combat. I offer a heartfelt "thank you" to your grandfather, and another to you for writing this excellent piece!
    | Posted on 2008-06-29 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      Well done,

    It has been awhile since I commented on here but, it is nice to return to some good sound writing that allows the writer to see into the mind of the writer. Your grandfather is a proud man as he should be and for you to recognize that says that you are in tune with him.
    Again, Nicely done

    Respect and Admiration

    Clyde
    | Posted on 2008-06-25 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
      That was awsome to say the least. I like how you used the lion to portray the whole thing I actually got the mentle image.
    | Posted on 2008-06-24 00:00:00 | by supergirl_in_oh | [ Reply to This ]


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