[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: The Gray Liondots

    Author: Toxic_Rayne
    ASL Info:    18/f/a happier place
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 1314/1095/162
    Words: 103
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 609
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 787

       a poem dedicated to my grandpa.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Gray Liondots

    Behind the joy of family, in his eyes
    hides horrors of things unknown.
    Tales of bullets, shrapnel...
    images never shown.

    Symbolized in the ink of his tattoo
    are the days when the lion still fought.
    Proud veteran of nightmarish reality.
    Age: his paw is caught.

    The fighter speaks in a shattered growl,
    naught but a remnant of his former roar.
    the feeble lion prowls.
    Cautious due to muscles blown and torn.
    Stubgorn: he stands tall.

    Proud one...
    The soldier...
    who served his country.
    The fighter...
    battling life itself.
    The gray lion...
    frail shell, strong heart.
    Ferocious soul.

    Submitted on 2008-06-24 02:28:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      The last two lines really made this poem for me- you perfectly encapsulated everything in those six words. I thought the rest of the poem was good, without ever really scaling the heights that you managed at the end (although I did like 'shattered growl').

    I can only suggest trying to maintain that level of intensity throughout the whole poem- it's difficult, I know, but I think you'd really be onto something if you did.

    Also- a few grammar/spelling things need to be fixed ('stubgorn'? 'his eyes/hides'?), but that is only a minor consideration.

    I look forward to reading your other work.

    | Posted on 2008-06-30 00:00:00 | by Civilian | [ Reply to This ]
      This is wonderful! I sense so much pride in your writing, and rightfully so. All of us owe so much to the war veterans, particularly the ones who saw combat. I offer a heartfelt "thank you" to your grandfather, and another to you for writing this excellent piece!
    | Posted on 2008-06-29 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      Well done,

    It has been awhile since I commented on here but, it is nice to return to some good sound writing that allows the writer to see into the mind of the writer. Your grandfather is a proud man as he should be and for you to recognize that says that you are in tune with him.
    Again, Nicely done

    Respect and Admiration

    | Posted on 2008-06-25 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
      That was awsome to say the least. I like how you used the lion to portray the whole thing I actually got the mentle image.
    | Posted on 2008-06-24 00:00:00 | by supergirl_in_oh | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]