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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Very Long Storydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: saartha
    ASL Info:    27/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 230/385/134
    Words: 59
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 836
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 403



    Description:
       A dream I had. This is not a very good poem, but there is a great truth in dreams and I needed to write it down before I forgot.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Very Long Storydots
    -------------------------------------------


    My death-bed grandmother
    took me by jaw and ear,
    crooned, 'Listen child,
    listen, this is the last story
    I will ever tell you. It has
    all the bravery of a dragon-slayer,
    the fear of an infant in his first night,
    the painjoy of a widower's second wife.'

    She closed her eyes,
    breathed once, twice,
    and then died.




    Submitted on 2008-06-25 14:54:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I've read this before.

    i'm going to be a wanker and suggest that it might need one thing extra in the last line.

    sonically 'coughed and died' gets it done for me, and metaphorically too... though it may be that that is too obvious.

    I must have faved this, I must have faved this.
    | Posted on 2010-02-12 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      (webley echoes in this.)

    I think... that there's a sort of equilibrium of good-bad in poetry/writing, and this isn't bad (not that any one person can say what is or isn't, but that's beside the point). It's... simple, maybe. But it sort of holds something greater, bigger.

    It's beautiful.
    Don't doubt, even dreams.
    Especially dreams.

    ~
    | Posted on 2008-07-23 00:00:00 | by etheror | [ Reply to This ]
      how bizarre that i should read this today...
    i had a dream last night in which my dad died on an elton john show... he laughed once and then twice and then died. all on national television.

    all i could think was that the last thing i said to my dad was 'you taking over the world today'?

    anyways... this is stunning.
    and indeed it is a very long story...


    what strikes me most about this piece is that this is your death-bed grandmother... the way you have partitioned your memories of her off...
    i sat with my grandpop for 13hours the night before he died. and when i left that room, knowing i wouldnt see him again, i told him "if i put your glasses on and put your teeth in you still wouldnt look anything like my grandpop so when i walk out of this room and out of this hospital i am going to erase this image of you from my mind" and he opened his eyes [he hadnt done anything in about 6 hours at this stage] and looked me in the eye and i knew he knew what i had said and that he didnt want to be remembered as the wasted version of himself he'd become.

    yes. this piece is stunning on many levels of memories in my life
    | Posted on 2008-06-28 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      'Not a very good poem'?

    What the heck are you talking about. This is pure liquid gold.

    Honey on my tongue. And yet lavender sadness as well.

    Death, destroyer of worlds. Destroyer of hearts.

    Death, destroyer of dreams! Dreams, destroyers of the past!

    Dreams, a beauteous new sunray of the mind.

    ....Okay, that was random. Hehe.

    But anyways, you're poem was great. Nothing needs to be changed or altered. I think it is wonderful. And hauntingly beautiful.

    Give a pat on the back to your dreams, girl.

    ~AsiaticFox
    | Posted on 2008-06-28 00:00:00 | by AsiaticFox | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not sure how this could be improved upon; it's brief, direct, strongly worded, elegaic and thought provoking at the same time. There's definitely nothing that needs to be 'made sense of,' so I would keep this metaphor for the long story of life exactly as it is.

    Very nice.
    Bill
    | Posted on 2008-06-27 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      You have such a wonderful voice. And I think what I love most about this, it sums up life; it is short and it is as long as you want to make it;
    with spokens and unspokens and all the in-betweens.

    I tend to tell myself (maybe as a comfort of sorts) that it all comes together in the end.

    nice piece






    | Posted on 2008-06-25 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, this is hard hitting. My heart is racing, and honestly I can't even tell you why. I want to keep this, because it's so honest I want it with me forever. I think that she was speaking about life. With all the bravery, the fear, and painjoy. Wow...that's pretty much all I have to say about this piece. Thank you for sharing this, I think I need this.
    Be well,
    ~Azura*
    | Posted on 2008-06-25 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]


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