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    dots Submission Name: A Song into Mind and Matterdots

    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 365
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 669
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 2230


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Song into Mind and Matterdots

    There was a pattern of whimsical sounds running through a wave of windy branches
    The sounds reminded me of horse hooves on cobblestone
    Knocking against the trunks, like bongo drums

    An Owls breathe away from a Fish
    where the wise begin to meet their beginning
    I like the symmetry

    Fly down into the water, and dive with the gift of anti-gravity
    swim in space
    not air

    I heard the water pour in and the way your feet moved into the room, as the waves were gliding around your feet
    The Water made circles
    that expand inside your lungs
    I can breathe

    The room was dark

    I open my eyes and I feel the pressure
    It feels okay as it begins to spread over my body
    it feels like life and music and balance
    like the air that breathes in and nullifies
    all of the void

    In this vast amount of energy hairs on the back of your neck stand up
    a complete ignorance in the most aware version of reality
    a raw and cold sweat on your back

    there is something that makes sense with no logic
    It feels like taking a step forward with no direction in mind
    and winding up where

    The wheel turns

    You are sitting on a wooden two by four, lines of two by fours, bolted together in a circle that spins
    faster and faster like the sensation of a Ferris Wheel
    or the Merry Go Round

    Then you find that this is where you are
    On the Merry Go Round
    you are four and there is a slide that you are afraid to go down

    The next step would a be a thought
    a struggle for a ring
    you don't understand
    there is no diamond
    There is no gold


    a Circle
    when I say 'ring' I mean my dialect

    Hear this from my voice
    I am your animal
    I exhale comfortable musky smells
    like pines and patchouli intertwining


    I found myself at a gas station
    the only one that exists

    there is no generic form

    Submitted on 2008-06-27 23:11:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      This poem was amazing. The imagery was absolutly beautiful. What I got from this piece was two people having sex, that it's just complete passion, and that they aren't even thinking, it's just happening and it feels right.

    The only part I could easily see that I would've tweaked was this line:

    "The wheel turns"

    It's seperated into it's own stanza, and from my point of view it doesn't enhance the words at all. I think the line would have flowed more coherently (sp?) as part of the stanza before it. Seperating the line gives an unnatural pause that doesn't seem to fit into the rhythm you had set up.

    There were two lines I absolutely loved in their simplicity:

    "I can breathe"
    "I like the symmetry"

    The statements seem very innocent.

    Overall, great piece. It was beautifully written:)

    | Posted on 2008-06-28 00:00:00 | by SheetMusic | [ Reply to This ]

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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
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