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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Bird of the Heavensdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: AsiaticFox
    ASL Info:    19/M/Universe
    Elite Ratio:    6.15 - 162/151/126
    Words: 67
    Class/Type: Poetry/Religious
    Total Views: 70
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 439



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Bird of the Heavensdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Oh to be a bird
    of the heavens!

    Oh to soar above
    my sorrow, to soar upwards
    away from the painful outcry!

    Oh to be present
    at the heavenly court, to see
    the glorious gathering!

    Oh to be in union with Him,
    to be free!

    I spread my wings
    and fly far, declaring
    his glory across the earth.

    Fly with me, brothers.




    Submitted on 2008-06-28 19:40:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      There's some lovely sentiments trying to be expressed here, but I can't help but feel that they're not being shown in a particularly lovely way.

    Where is the abstract beauty you showed in Posterity of Wolves--Part I (oil and water,/oil and water...the crow is madness)?

    Where is the vocabulary of Juniper Distance (white expressionless/void of searching), the beautiful line breaks (come now autumn//song)?

    Or even the folksy abandon of Sing Like a Dying Sunbeam!

    I feel that you've blinded yourself with love and devotion, and in your haste to express yourself you forgot the best way to do so. This is, in my opinion, a subject that must be approached with a certain subtleness, or else it reads like a sermon on the edge of poetry or song-- on the edge, but not over.

    You've got a gilded skeleton, a beautiful goal. Flesh it out. Make it breath, make it dance.
    Make this thing [censored] sing.


    (forgive my tactlessness. I respect you enough to trust you'll take it as honest opinion and not as an attack.)
    | Posted on 2008-07-01 00:00:00 | by saartha | [ Reply to This ]


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