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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Just a Girldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.81 - 23/160/138
    Words: 218
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 640
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 1321



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsJust a Girldots
    -------------------------------------------


    She controls your will, your mind, your heart
    You could probably get past it if you'd only start
    But instead you're stuck in the web she's spun
    Stay here too long and you're surely done, but she's just a girl

    Your feet are lead, and motives you lack
    You dream for the day she will come back
    You can hardly bare to look in the mirror
    Your reflection seems lonely without her, but she's still just a girl

    You'll drive yourself crazy if you stay in this state
    The moment you leave it will be a moment too late
    You thought you'd escape, but you fell back again
    You seek her return, ambition's no sin, but she remains just a girl

    Love, does there even exist such a thing?
    Though the thought of the word makes your heart sting
    You could be with someone else it's not even that hard
    But you play the game with caution, won't let you go far, remember, she's just a girl

    She was here before, time and time again
    Face the facts, you lost her. Where have you been?
    Look around yourself as your dreams have crumbled to ash
    What once was yours is gone, left your heart with a gash, but she was just your girl




    Submitted on 2008-06-29 04:15:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Love it! It was a very simple story put in rhythm that flowed perfectly for me.
    | Posted on 2008-06-29 00:00:00 | by mandy dupuis | [ Reply to This ]
      This sits on the border of commercial and artistic. And that my friend is a good place to be. If you can take something full of soul that fellow artists can/will apricate and then polish it for the masses, that is how you make money doing it.
    | Posted on 2008-06-29 00:00:00 | by nicodemous | [ Reply to This ]
      Are these feelings personal? Then ouch! Join the broken hearts club where there are a million members yet each is alone.

    About the poem. I liked it.

    Some comments:
    1. I know you're trying to keep a four line stanza but I think you can actually make" But she's just a girl' the last lines in all stanzas
    2. I would delete "it" in line 2.
    3. In line 7, it should be "bear" instead of "bare"
    4. In line 10, it should be "too" instead of "to"
    5. I would delete "remains" in line 12
    6. In line 13, I'd put a question mark after love
    7. I think "play" is missing in line 16. Also, "it won't get you far" works better instead of "won't let you go far"
    8. In line 20, "dreams crumble to ash" works better than "dreams have crumbled to ash" (since the first bit is in the present tense). Also, maybe you could try "It hurts. Cause she was once your girl." instead of "but she was just your girl"

    So overall, if edited the poem it would look like this:

    She controls your will, your mind, your heart
    You could probably get past if you'd only start
    But instead you're stuck in the web she's spun
    Stay here too long and you're surely done
    But she's just a girl

    Your feet are lead, and motives you lack
    You dream for the day she will come back
    You can hardly bear to look in the mirror
    Your reflection seems lonely without her
    But she's still just a girl

    You'll drive yourself crazy if you stay in this state
    The moment you leave it will be a moment to late
    You thought you'd escape, but you fell back again
    You seek her return, ambition's not a sin
    But she's just a girl

    Love? Does there even exist such a thing?
    Though the thought of the word makes your heart sting
    You could be with someone else, it's not even that hard
    But you play the game with caution, it won't get you far
    (Remember, she's just a girl)

    She was here before, time and time again
    Face the facts, you lost her. Where have you been?
    Look around yourself as your dreams crumble to ash
    What once was yours is gone, left your heart with a gash
    It hurts. Cause she was once your girl.

    Keep writing!
    | Posted on 2008-06-29 00:00:00 | by Judy | [ Reply to This ]


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