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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Afflicted with Addiction.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: insipid sky
    Elite Ratio:    4.59 - 142/145/28
    Words: 79
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1381
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 578



    Description:
       It's jagged, like myself.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAfflicted with Addiction.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    You're afflicted,
    I'm addicted,
    each of us is ill and
    running on self-will.

    Whether it's a lie -
    let it spout,
    Or a drug -
    numb it out.

    God receives the blame
    for all of the pain;
    Though responsibility lies with us,
    we're too busy getting messed up.

    Too many drinks -
    swallow more,
    So much sex -
    who's not a whore?

    Wandering aimlessly,
    who can lead?
    If they show the way,
    Will you follow?




    Submitted on 2008-06-29 16:15:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this is a AWESOME write.. one of the best i have ever read. i am so glad i stumbled upon it. i cant wait to read more of your work.
    i added this to my fav's and voted u a wow on this piece
    take it easy
    kristian
    | Posted on 2008-07-03 00:00:00 | by kristian | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the way you started; it was neat and didn't try to do too much. The poem did seem to lose some of its compactness in the third stanza and beyond.

    For me, that's because you changed the entire structure of the piece- you went from dimeter to tetrameter and back again- as a result the poem didn't really seem to flow, and I struggled to get any sort of unified picture.

    Finally, I think you could have done a lot more with

    Too many drinks -
    swallow more,
    So much sex -
    who's not a whore?

    At the moment it stands alone as cheap moralising, but I reckon if you took out the word 'whore' (it just seems like a cheap shot at the moment) you could get into a more complex analysis of why people succumb to addiction in the first place.

    I'll be interested to see this if you decide to rework it.

    Ciao
    | Posted on 2008-06-30 00:00:00 | by Civilian | [ Reply to This ]
      I really enjoyed this read... im actually looking forward to commenting for once.

    "You're afflicted,
    I'm addicted,
    each of us is ill and
    running on self-will."

    The first stanza starts it off strong, it builds up speed and emphasis damn fast. It sets the tone and the plot for the next few stanzas as well.

    "Whether it's a lie -
    let it spout,
    Or a drug -
    numb it out."

    The imagery this creates, about a lie sprouting into this whole big tree of entangled half truths. Or a drug numbing you to the pains all around. Its all very vibrant.

    "God receives the blame
    for all of the pain;
    Though responsibility lies with us,
    we're too busy getting messed up."

    this one is just plain true, we do always try to cast blame on some higher person or power, we can never recognize that it is indeed ourselves who messed up in the first place.

    "Too many drinks -
    swallow more,
    So much sex -
    who's not a whore?"

    This one just brings the whole thing down to earth. Suddenly things are real, we are human after all.

    "Wandering aimlessly,
    who can lead?
    If they show the way,
    Will you follow?"

    This one really does just sum everything else up... Its a good close to the piece. Leaving off on this note makes us evaluate ourselves, and whether we can follow or lead our own paths.

    I enjoyed this poem. thanks for the read.



    | Posted on 2008-06-29 00:00:00 | by Passionbyapathy | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an excellent idea for a poem and I thought you pulled it off very very well
    My favorite part of this write is the 3rd stanza when you speak GREAT TRUTH about pointing out how unfairly God gets all the blame for the pain when we created it ourselves
    We must remember Gods beautiful Loving heart gave us freedom of will
    We have to learn to take responsibility for our own mistakes
    I Thank You for sharing this
    Very Well done!!
    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2008-06-29 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      a couple of things to think about:

    you start the first stanza almost rhyming AABB but then the second stanza ABCB and then there pretty much no more rhyme. think about either making the whole piece rhyme the same way all the way through or maybe taking the rhyme out all together. sometimes trying to fit your message into 4 line stanzas isnt the most effective way of presenting your idea as it can restrict you dramatically.

    addiction is a hard nut to crack. its interestiing that you say its your responsibility though youre too busy getting messed up... sometimes the responsibility is too much and its easier to continue doing what youve always done rather than seeking help. especially if youve relied on self will for so long and kept falling back into your addiction...

    interesting piece for sure. keep working on it... it's a keeper
    | Posted on 2008-06-29 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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