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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Reborndots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Sharati_hottie
    ASL Info:    20/ Female / MICHIGAN
    Elite Ratio:    4.02 - 86/81/90
    Words: 109
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 1109
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 723



    Description:
       This literally JUST like ten minutes ago came to me, after like over a year of seriously horrid writers block!!!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsReborndots
    -------------------------------------------


    The Black Emptiness rang through her
    Like the worst of storms
    She blamed herself for
    Everything that went wrong

    Consuming her piece by piece
    The blackness continued
    Until it burrowed deep
    Within her, now dying soul

    She would gladly welcome death
    Though she could not take her own life
    She pleaded with her Gods for it
    She begged to die

    Living was her torture
    She would willingly give it up
    She wanted the blackness gone
    Gone from her life and soul

    No longer could she take it
    She threw herself from a bridge
    That night she did not die
    She was in fact reborn




    Submitted on 2008-06-30 02:34:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Good write, although I'm not usually one for poems with no real rhyme scheme this one is an exception. Sometimes trying to make a rhyme scheme hurts the poem because it limits and and makes it much more difficult to express without force. Only suggestion, and I see someone else has had a qualm with this although mine is a bit different. At some point I would suggest you to use another word to describe the pain and torment than "blackness." It doesn't really need to be more concrete in my opinion, I often like vague poems because it's more broad and thus easier for people to relate personally. However if you change your wording slight, reducing the usage of blackness, your poem would lose a lot of redundancy, although maybe some redundancy is good... because she sees all this pain constantly around her and it becomes redundant until it reaches the point that it pushes her over. Literally. All together pretty good write. Keep it up.
    | Posted on 2008-07-01 00:00:00 | by BlazeFlamme | [ Reply to This ]
      Scrupulosity is a dangerous dish to eat, yet Schsiophrenics do not know such a dish is dangerous. You leave out the idea that friends (if any) had forsaken her. Where were the rescuers ? This poor lonely soul ! What ? She had many gods ? (you have the word plural)
    Well, I guess someone in her devious behavior
    needed more gods than one to prop up her situation. Those demons within drove her to the brink of dispair. But really was she reborn ! I guess , I the reader, will have the wait for that next chapter and read it in the afterlife,since I was cruelly treated by the author.
    | Posted on 2008-07-01 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    The way you described one giving themselves to The Lord was perfect
    I really loved how you described opening ones heart to The Lords Love is like death of all the Negativity stored inside
    I in fact feel reborn every day of my life
    Every new day washes away the old and the negativity weighing us down and a new day brings new Positive energy
    Again Excellent Work!!!
    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2008-06-30 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with the previous comment about having a more concrete image. Tell the story, not the emotions - let the reader decide on the feelings.

    annie
    | Posted on 2008-06-30 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]
       While dark, this is quite an emotional write. It's not too bad considering you just got over a writer's block. I can sort of see how she was "reborn". By killing herself, she killed the darkness within thus being made free. Interesting and somewhat clever, though it seems to be a bit vague in some places. Like we've all established, this was done after a year of writer's block. However, you may have purposely made it to be vague. Either way, it's very good. Please, forgive me if I have upset you.
    | Posted on 2008-06-30 00:00:00 | by Victoria | [ Reply to This ]
      she musta changed her mind huh?

    i guess sometimes desperation comes in moments too big to deny... ive lost too many friends to suicide over the years

    maybe give the blackness a foundation?
    perhaps create it from a build up of pain and disappointments but give these disappointments names... create something more concrete than "the blackness"

    realising though that this is a triumphant return from writers block so i shant request too much just now
    | Posted on 2008-06-30 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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